video log // dreamwastaken (sequel to start over)

Day 13 (?) | Acceptance

Since I thought I saw her outside, it seems like everyday I catch a glimpse of movement outside our house. Every single day I find myself gravitating toward the windows instead of my bed or my computer screen.

I watch out for her. But every day goes by disappointed. Nothing truly arises. It's more loneliness knowing she'll never come back. Every day is more proof that I really have fucked up. I've lost the one person that should have been in my life forever. I was stupid and ignorant. I guess life had a lesson to teach me. This was just a hard one to swallow.

"Clay, George and I are going to do a stream since I'm close to hitting four million. Are you going to join me?" Nick peaks his head into my room. I'm sat at the end of my bed staring out the window. I know I should join him, but I really want to see her.

"When do you plan on going live?" I look at my best friend, waiting for an answer that hopefully suits my needs.

"I don't know. Probably like 7 or 8. Few hours from now." I try to think of a lie quickly to not join but none pop to mind. She won't be coming by after dark anyways. I should really be spending time with my friends.

"I'll be there." I decide, against my own desires.

That few hours oddly goes quickly. The sun has set, I've watched it out the window as I have most days now. And it's time to peel myself away from the window and join my friends on Discord.

As I join the call my ears are filled with a bickering argument between George and Nick. Of course they can't get along for even one second. It's a constant battle that has been nice to be away from for awhile. Then again their bickering might be better than the battle going on inside my head. But that's a thought for another time.

"Dream! Tell Sapnap he's wrong." George demands and I shake my head.

"About?" I question George but I know what he's going to say before he even speaks.

"It doesn't matter!" He coos. "Just tell him he's wrong!" His voice demands me to be on his side. It's quite normal for George to come to me for protection. It's just how our friendship has been. It's how DNF formed to begin with.

"I think I'm going to stay out of this one." George continues to try and get me to take his side but I never do. I'm too distracted looking at security footage of the house.

We've been getting random alerts lately that my mom's always checked into for me. She's always said it was nothing, but after what I saw the other day, my mind has me thinking differently.

I scroll to the clipped locations in the footage and my mind is shocked by what I see. "Guys..." I drag out the word completely cutting off the, still on going, argument between my friends.

"What?" Nick and George say in unison.

"She's been here." I share my screen on Discord immediately and play the footage. "That's her." My voice leads with excitement. But I'm definitely holding back. Just because she's come back doesn't mean everything is okay.

"Nameless?" George questions.

"Definitely her." Nick confirms the thoughts.

"You didn't put her up to this or anything have you?" I question the two men in the call, but they both deny any involvement.

I mean I didn't think they had done it. But my minds been playing too many tricks on me to trust it. I've got to check all my boxes these days.

"Can we focus on this later? I want to go live." Nick groans. I had put him through too much lately. I mean we had barely spoken, let alone seen each other and now we had to put on a show like everything was fine for thousands.

I knew that the vibe would come easy. I had faked my happiness before. But my social battery has been drained on a constant lately. There was only so much I could take. But I couldn't let people down. I had already let them down enough.

"Yeah..." I trail off to let the man start his stream.

I think it's pretty evident how distracted my mind was his whole stream. His chat was calling it out, and after the stream Twitter had a field day with theory's about what was going on. I tried to ignore the trends and ideas. But I couldn't help but be upset with myself for not being able to put things aside for my friends.

I knew they understood. I knew they'd always be there for me. But they were tough lovers when it came to Nameless. They were harsh, brutal, and honest with me.

Nick, the most level headed but also the most understanding, just gave up on trying to help. He was as stubborn as I was, if not more. At some point we both just had to give up to save us from ourselves.

Once the stream is over, I scour through hours and hours of footage. I mean, it had only been a few weeks, but she had visited often. She has to have missed home as much as home missed her. Well, maybe she didn't miss home. Maybe she just... didn't know how else to live.

"You've come home." I say softly, unable to face the camera before me, like normal. "I miss you more than you know. Seeing you, knowing you're okay, it's settling. It calms my nerves. Just to know that you are alive and well will get me through. At least for a little while."

I grab my nail clippers off my desk and begin fidgeting with them. "Today hasn't been as hard was the others. But I know this isn't the end. I know tomorrow I will probably wake up in pain. I will wake up alone and it will all come rushing back again. But for now, I'm not miserable." I chuckle to myself.

"You're wearing my hoodie still. Like almost every day I've seen you appear, you have it. Then again you left with nothing. It could be all you have." I sigh. "How are you even surviving?"

I groan at my question. She shouldn't have to just survive. She should be able to live. I took living away from her. The grind she's going to have to go through to get back to where she was is going to be hell. And it's all because of me. I truly am the worst.

"I'm sorry." And just like that, with one simple question the emotions at back. I'm plucking tears from my cheeks with my fingertips again. It's a repeat cycle I can't get through. One wrong word and I'm a goner again.

I click on my mouse and end the recording. I've had enough of this for today. The only way to get through this is to just get into bed and sleep. It's an easy out. But it's my only out.

I hate that this is who I have become but break ups are difficult. And they're especially difficult when you love someone so fucking much it hurts. It hurts to love and it hurts to let go. There is no middle ground. It's pain either way. How do you know what to choose?

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well, ad editing this chapter its my mom's 50th birthday. kinda weird. wish her a happy birthday in the comments. or dont, thats fine too. :)

i know this wasn't the most well written chapter, but how is everyone feeling about clay being so attached to nameless still. like this man almost ditched his besties for her. but does anyone really blame him? no never. we all know what happens.

ALSO DREAM IS BACK FROM ANTARCTICA. LETS FUCKING GOOOO. wasn't it just yesterday i was complaining about how much i missed him? i told you, him and i have a bond, i know when he's coming back to me <3 (god i sound crazy but i don't mean to... i can't control the many coincidences like this)

make sure you vote and comment <3

much love, ashley :D

ps. i'm such a happy bean that bean is back :D