TIME AFTER TIME ; jjk

35

"Someone else who can handle me better?"

"That's not what I mean."

"I just don't want to sit through excruciating hours of it."

"Do you think that's good for you?"

"Yeah," he said, his voice sturdier this time.

"Then that's good for you."

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"I do. Do what makes you feel more comfortable. I am serious when I say you should take your time, do things at your own pace. If not going to therapy will make you feel better, then that's it."

He was biting the insides of his mouth and fidgeting with the hem of his jacket sleeves, something he usually did when he was under a lot of stress, and it made me feel so guilty, even if I completely had no control over the whole situation. I wished it had a button I could press just to switch it off. "Really? It seems to me you don't trust that this is good for me."

I winced but pretended it was nothing. What gave me away? I wanted to understand. What look did I make to make him think that way? What did I do?

What did I not do?

"How should I look to you? Please tell me," I asked, pressing the faint hint of desperation in my voice down.

Jungkook wouldn't even glance at me. "I know it's hard to stay with me when I'm like this."

I furrowed my brows. "Like what?"

"When I'm looking miserable," he answered, setting off a sense of exasperation in me, a desire of proving him otherwise.

But I had no clue how and where to start.

I shook my head, narrowing my eyes. "You're not. You're just going through a tough time, but you are not miserable, okay? You're deciding for me."

"I'm not deciding for you. I'm just stating what I think."

"You think. You don't know what I think... Seriously, I don't want to put up a fight with you."

"I don't think you understand," he replied, petulance in his tone.

"I'm trying to. I hope you'll make it easier for me." I almost froze where I was standing. Did that come out wrong?

Jungkook blinked hard. "I knew it."

"You're assuming that you're a burden again."

"You just implied that I'm making it hard for you. Don't try to figure me out. I'm doing that myself."

"How many times should I reiterate that it's not you? There's nothing wrong with you and I don't want to be invasive, but I hope you know that I'm not going to stand here and not do anything while you're—"

He didn't let me finish. "While I'm being miserable, okay, I get it. However you want to put it, it's the same thing."

My eyes bored into him with my heart feeling like it had just been squished while saying, "I want to go home."

He nodded so casually, his focus somewhere else. "Okay."

"I really like you and I mean that," I said, wanting to offer him assurance that I was just here.

"Okay." His lips remained tight.

"But I also want you to know that you're sort of hurting my feelings right now. And I'm not—" I paused just to swallow the painful lump forming in my throat, "I'm not trying to make this about me."