You said I made the world stand still.
When did that stop?
I wish I could, just, unlike you, because I know you're not mine. It's so strange— I want you to be with someone who makes you happy, but I also want to cry thinking about that possibility.
I know you're not mine.
Everyone warned me you are not mine. Yet still, I don't regret anything.
I knew from the beginning, and yet you think you were leading me on?
If anything, it was the other way. I did tell you many times I didn't believe we were compatible, but my actions were opposed to my words.
I told myself I would feel everything with you, the happiness and the heartbreak. Thankfully, you have not broken my heart. Perhaps, simply saddened it a little.
I knew from the beginning.
You didn't believe me when I said I was weak.
This is what I mean.
I was thinking how earily similar my last deep conversation with you and my last with my ex was. I am less suicidal than when I was with my ex— far, far less, (thanks to the meds and therapy), yet still, when I didn't want to be alive, that scared you.
Which is fine, it's no human's job to keep me alive.
I just... I did think you would be more understanding. But it's okay.
You're not mine.
No more "sweet thing," "babygirl," "dear," "pretty thing," "crazy girl," "beautiful."
No more calling you Darling. Along with My Love, Darling will be removed from my list of pet names.
I guess it's rather poignantly true here, what Mari said, how each person I'm with will take a little piece of me with them. And if I do become married in the future, my spouse will lack some parts of me which I can no longer give them.
Which is why I should stop messing with you. Because you are not mine.
How strange.
12-23-22
YOU ARE READING
Afternoon Thoughts
Non-Fictionメ Thoughts of a bleeding mind. Sometimes, the darkest thoughts swirl to become the most beautiful dance when woven into words. To write calms me. Perhaps someone will know these feelings.
