Cold Fame || ENHA

19. Everything

I think he picked up on who's arguing and why then if he heard it. Sunoo stood next to me as well and Jungwon went to Heeseung. Xiao Jun sighed. "I came to apologize to Jeongmi and this douche who's being mean to her was here so I confronted him on why hes mean to her all the time." Xiao Jun explained.

Jay looked at me. I bet he remembers when I said Heeseung didn't bother me. I have a lot of explaining to do then I suppose. "Says the one that keeps kissing her whenever he gets the chance and also ignored her." Heeseung replied with snarkiness.

"That's enough arguing from the both of you. This is seriously ridiculously and I can tell Jeongmi is getting really anxious so let's stop this now ok?" Jay was serious. It was honestly kind of scary how serious he looked.

With that Xiao Jun left without another word. Sunoo immediately hugged me which in turn surprised me. "Are you ok Jeongmi?" He asked after letting go. I nodded but it was obvious I was lieing.

Jungwon walked past me and patted my shoulder. "Stay safe Jeongmi." He said and then left. Sunoo followed him. "I can tell you're drunk Jeongmi? Are you sure you're ok?" Jay asked, holding my shoulders.

I nodded and turned away, walking past a still sour Heeseung. "Text me if you need me Jeongmi." Jay said before walking out. Heeseung stayed. I bet he was going to snap at me and say how he was upset that I told someone he was mean to me when I wasnt drunk.

I stared at the TV, wanting to cry. Heeseung walked over and stood infront of me. "Do you think I'm that mean? Do you think I 'bully' you because you're mute?" Heeseung asked, bending down to my height.

My eyes teared up immediately. I do think hes mean and I do think he targets me because he knows I won't say anything about it.

I flipped my body around so I was facing the cushions as I was too scared of him seeing me in distress again and I just knew that he'd ignore me for the rest of the year now after something like that.

Just thinking about it made me start crying. "Jeongmi please dont cry." He pleaded, tugging on my shoulder. I shrugged him off. "I just want to know if you hate me I mean one minute you're hugging me and the next I'm being told you think I'm mean?" He questioned.

I began to cry harder. I hate the side of you that you consistently show me but I'm obsessed with the real you. I grabbed my phone with shaky hands and typed in what I had just thought.

I showed it to him quickly, not making eye contact. Heeseung seemed shocked by it. "O...Obsessed with the real me? So..." He was thinking aloud before he went quiet. I quickly began to type again.

"You're only nice to me when I'm crying or drunk and even still you get snappy. At the cafe you were so nice when you saw me as Mishil but only with me are you an asshole and I cant understand why." I hesitated for a good minute but Heeseung snatched my phone and read it himself.

Heeseung stared at my phone, his eyes scanning over my words again and again. Eventually he gave my phone back and stood up. I just knew he was going to walk away so I faced the cushions once more.

I had stopped crying now therefore I wiped my tears and tried to calm myself down. I heard Heeseung walk away and before I knew it the door slammed shut.

Goodbye Heeseung.

November 16th, 2020

My days...

November 21st, 2020

are so...

November 25th, 2020

Silent.

I suppose it's the most I could ask for.

November 27th, 2020

It's my birthday and three days from debut. As I mentioned before I dont celebrate my birthday and I know that the other members dont know when my birthday is.

Jake's was a few days ago so they probably wouldnt suspect mine being today or anytime soon. Even if they did know when my birthday was it would be awkward for them to celebrate it.

However, I cant help wonder what a birthday is like. I mean what do people normally do for such occasions? Just had them a cake and end it? What's so special about getting older and closer to death?

Perhaps people celebrate birthdays with the thought in mind that someday they might not be able to celebrate the others birthday anymore. That there will be only memories of birthdays to celebrate.

I dont know. I've never experienced it. Now that I'm thinking about it so much I really do want to celebrate my birthday but it's really inconvenient to tell them my birthday is today.

No time to get a cake or presents. No time for decorations. No time to explain why I hadnt said so days or weeks before. Just confusion and frustration will be born from it.

I'll have to wait until next year. Not to mention its 4pm now. Then I got a text from my manager. He said there would be a birthday live for me but due to me being mute they were only going to do a birthday post.

Fair enough. I responded with ok and shut my phone off. Then I began to think hard. Did fans know my birthday? Were my members the only ones that didnt know?

I waited and constantly refreshed our offical Weverse page for the birthday post. It took about twenty minutes for one to pop up. Responses came immediately.

All of them were wishing me a happy birthday. I smiled. Considering a lot of hate I've been getting I truly appreciated the kindness from true fans. Some even were saying to ignore the fakes and focus on the fact that there are real fans that love me.

I was flattered. Thankfully there are truly nice people out there that dont judge others. I turned my phone off and stared up at the ceiling. I've been laying in bed all day everyday, only getting up for the bathroom and to occasionally eat.

I did practice the choreos in my kitchen sometimes to make sure I remember every last detail. To somewhat celebrate my birthday I'll have some shots of that vodka. I stepped down into the kitchen and pulled the vodka out.

I didnt have a shot glass so I guess I'll just drink out the bottle. I grabbed a bottle of water to balance it out. I struggled for a good while but eventually opened the vodka.

I immediately took two large swigs of it, the taste making my nose scrunch in disgust. Odd description but it taste like hand sanitizer. Anyway I opened the water and took a few sips before taking another gulp of vodka.

I sat there, letting the alchohol take affect and still taking more gulps, mixing water in every few minutes. Before I knew it I was drunk out of my mind. I couldnt stand properly so I was seated on the floor.

I had my phone in my pocket so I pulled it out. I opened my contacts and I stared at Heeseung's number for a while. I really wanted to text him. Being under the influence encouraged it and I ended up texting him.

Me
I dun mean to o boter you boot can yoo ples come ovr?

Heeseung
Why are you typing like that?

Me
Yahh nevrmend that plaes come ovr.

Heeseung
Fine.

Me
Btw yu may hav to open dor on youu own.

Heeseung saw my message but didnt reply I couldnt help but laugh at my spelling mistakes. Anyway while I waited for Heeseung, I took another big gulp out of the vodka. I could hardly hold the bottle.

Quickly, Heeseung came into my dorm, immediately spotting me on the ground in the kitchen. I stared at him, my head leaned on the cupboard of the island.

He then looked to my side and saw the vodka and water. He scoffed, looking at me in disappointment. I know. I'm a disappointing person. I never wanted to be but it's in my blood.

Everything about myself did I hate. Everything.