The Words I Speak

The Terror In My Veins

All my endless pining came to a conclusion

The ways I've sought out people taken by the world

I fall for a person after the other knowing fully

That none of them will actually reciprocate

So I chased that thrill and I got bruised

I followed the drill and I end up in wounds

The keyword in this scrabble

The piece that never fit the puzzle

The block that made the jinga come tumbling down

All this time after all this time

The thing that was lurking in the shadows

The ghost in the corner of my bedroom

The screeching of a door closed slowly

Can't believe it I can't believe it

There's a difference between being open

And being vulnerable

I'm a top-notch at speaking my truth

My story I tell so shamelessly

However, I can't see myself having emotions

Crying is hard for me and to be allowed to feel is absolute torture

To also be close to someone on that level

Physically, I'm a warm hugger I was told

Emotionally, I'm as frozen as the ice cold

I cheer for the courageous characters on TV

All while I'm mad at myself for not being able to do the same

I can lie just fine

I have acted my whole life

I was on stage behind the red curtains

I smiled to everyone's face

But for the love of all that's pure and polluted

I'd rather run away than be loved back

The thought of wanting someone that is impossible

Is simply exhilarating

To have them want you back

Is complicated, the horror

I'll shower you with infinite adoration

But the moment you return the favor

I'm nowhere to be found

It's quite the irony when my language is hilariously physical

I only crave it but no one should lay their finger on my skin

I romanticise the idea and live in that fantasy

When it's put into action I'll escape that reality

After all it's only

My fear of Intimacy