The Sapphic Christmas

6th December. part 1

I turn on the video and see her sitting in front of me with a big smile. She says hello, and a beautiful intro follows, after which she continues. "Today I would like to have a festive Q&A. Of course, very original, yeah. You've been asking me for this for a long time, and I thought, why not? Let's start."

She reads the first few questions, and I don't see why this's a big deal. I don't want to be misunderstood: I like the video, but I don't see anything special about it. We should get to know each other better, is she hinting at that? I'm not sure she would talk about it so openly. Then it dawns on me why she wanted me to watch this video almost as soon as it comes out: half the questions are from me. When I asked something about her life, her plans for the future, but didn't receive an answer. It seemed to me that she simply didn't hear me. No, she heard me. And just... postponing questions for the video? It's a little weird, right? Probably quite a bit, but it doesn't repulse me, as it sometimes happens.

When the video ends, I text Ella:

"Very informative."

I don't like the message, but even when I think about it again, I can't think of anything better. Well, I send the one I have, and then think about how it could be better. In fact, this's what always happens. Every time, no exceptions. Even if it doesn't happen right now, the next day these thoughts will overtake me.

"Do you like it?" The answer comes pretty quickly.

"Yep, I love all your videos."

I hope my words bring a smile to her face, although it's true. I just love the atmosphere in her vlogs. It's clear she loves what she does. Isn't that wonderful?

After a couple of minutes, she replies that she'll call a little later, and at this time I feel exhausted. My eyes close on their own, and I don't even try to resist it. A dream is a dream. Thanks to it, time will pass a little faster.

When I wake up a few hours later, I find no missed calls, so everything is fine, I think. I'd be extremely embarrassed to miss a call from Ella, because then call back ... and that's even more stressful.

Since I definitely have nothing to do, and I can't look at the ceiling anymore, I get back to work, a little ahead of my usual pace. As soon as I open the laptop, I understand that even this's beyond my power. It seems like I really can't do anything today. I'm not sure I can even think of something.

This goes on for about an hour, and finally, Ella calls me:

"Hi." I say and turn on the speakerphone. Of course, it is not necessary now, but it's much more comfortable.

"Hi. What kind of ornament do you have at home?" She asks, and I almost immediately ready to answer that there are none, but I decide to check.

"Wait a second." I go out into the hallway and check the closet. There's one box in which several small boxes.

"And that's it?" Her voice sounds surprised.

"Yep."

"Do you always decorate your apartment so... lowkey?"

"No, but I usually take ornaments from my parents and ma does all the work." In my childhood and teens years I wasn't allowed to touch anything. Usually, I moved from living room to my room to not disturbed mom. Sometimes I stayed downstairs and watched them. My parents loved it, but I didn't quite understand why. They're on the edge of a fight when they decorated the Christmas tree, but they still believed that this was a very important event.

"Okay. Then tomorrow, if you don't have plans, we're going shopping. We need to buy ornaments and decor." Shopping together? Where are we going? In my town there're definitely no stores suitable. Although, if I think about it, there's one place where we can find something, but I'm not sure about it. Yes, and there most likely won't be a choice as such.

We've talked about it for a bit, and decided it would be a short drive to Southampton, because I've never been there, and it's quite a beautiful city, according to Ella. "Then we'll meet there?"

"Yep, what time?"

"Is 2 p.m. good for you?" I agree, and the girl is in a hurry somewhere, because of which we quickly say goodbye. I'm a little ashamed at such moments because all people are very productive, especially at the end of the year: when it seems like you have to prepare for the new year, leave all your problems in the past, and I just stand still and do nothing. It is unpleasant.

I look at the time. It's already 2 a.m., at least four hours have passed since our conversation, and I still don't feel like sleeping at all. I've been sleeping all day. However I should get some sleep so that I can survive the road tomorrow and not crash into anything or anyone.

I decide to watch some holiday movie, with a little hope that I'll get into a holiday mood, but I quickly get tired of it. The film isn't bad, but I can't set myself up for something informative. Or anything at all. I think that day has passed by me.