Little One (Will Riker Agere Story)

Ch 7

Flashback chapter

His chest ached like his lungs were being crushed, and his heart was being ripped out. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to think. All he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die.

It should have all been better now. It shouldn't hurt anymore. They'd made up. Their relationship was being repaired now.

So why did he feel like crying?

Kyle had told him he loved him. That should be enough shouldn't it? That's what parents are supposed to do, love their kids. He had what he needed now.

Still, Will cried.

He returned from sickbay, having luckily missed the awkward encounter he would have had with Dr. Pulaski had she still been on shift. But he waited until his shift was over, until she was off as well.

With the bruises freshly healed he curled up on his bed and he cried. He ignored the universe around him and he let himself cry.

Why did it still hurt so much? He'd thought he was over this. He'd thought he was past the pain, that he'd moved on. But he realized now that he was just fooling himself.

The pain was still there, as sharp as ever. It was like his father was leaving him all over again. Only this time it was worse, because he'd had a small taste of what it was like to have a father who loved him, and now he was being denied that. Now he realized it still wasn't real.

No matter how much Kyle said he loves him. He had left, without so much as a word to his son. And expected to be forgiven so easily after all those years.

He didn't love him. Not really.

And he wasn't sorry.

He didn't care that he hurt Will. He only cared that he got what he wanted.

And what he wanted was credit. Credit for raising a great starfleet officer. For making amends. For being a good father.

But maybe it was his own fault. If he had forgiven him sooner, if he had let go of his anger, if he'd given his father a chance to prove that he loved him, then maybe he would have gotten more.

Or maybe he would have just been a fool.

He cried until he couldn't cry anymore. And when he was done, he curled up under the covers and tried to sleep.

But he couldn't.

Sleep wouldn't come. And the pain was still there, weighing him down, drowning him.

***

Will wasn't entirely sure what time it was when he found himself at her door and he couldn't remember walking to her quarters. It was still the night cycle. He stared blankly at the smooth gray surface before finally turning around to return his own quarters. He couldn't bother her with this.

"Will." Her voice was soft.

Against his own wishes he'd woken her. He should have blocked her from his mind. Kept her from feeling his presence.

Still he stopped and he faced her. Eyes still red.

He down to kiss her gently, "Imzadi."

She stopped him. She placed one hand on his chest and leaned away. She leaned away even as she felt the emptiness in him. It wasn't right for her to let him kiss her. Not now.

He couldn't speak. The words were trapped. He couldn't tell her that he loved her. That he needed her. That he was sorry for showing up in the late hours of the night. He couldn't say anything.