Little One (Will Riker Agere Story)

Ch 15

A/N: warning for implied non-con/dub-con it's complicated so I'm not sure which is more appropriate.

The nightmares were not as frequent as they once were. They didn't go away completely but Will had never expected them to. But it was better than before. He felt better, and he didn't feel like he needed to lie about it. At least not quite as much.

Will didn't need to regress quite so often now. Deanna insisted on continuing. One evening every week or two. That was all.

Some nights he would still fun himself at the door to her quarters. And she would let him in. No words were spoken on most of those nights. Just the silent comfort of company.

Then they were transporting Ambassador Odan.

The mission was had been going well over the first while of hosting the ambassador. Nothing out of the usual. Everything had been as normal as it could be on the Enterprise.

The ambassador seemed fine. Will had nothing against him. Not at all. He liked him just fine. Even with the mission at stake it would have been harder to take on being the host if he didn't.

Beverly and Odan were close, it had seemed, and Will was very happy for her. He really was.

But when he woke up, exhausted and sore, Odan was gone and Beverly was upset. Memories of lives he never lived flashed in his mind, and feeling of hands, familiar hands, but not familiar like this, trailing along his body. And he couldn't look at Beverly.

***

Deanna was the first to visit when he woke up. He never expected any different. Maybe Mr. Worf would have beat her to it, but she knew he was awake before anyone had alerted her. She has been waiting. She was worried. He could feel it, even before he had quite woken up.

"Hey." Will smiled, still a bit weak, but his strength was coming back.

She of course looked no different. And he had seen her over the last few days, in a way. But he had missed her. It was nice to see her eyes through his own instead of looking through Odan's.

"Hi." She took his hand in her own, "How are you feeling?"

"Better than I was. Confused." Will chuckled, "But better."

Deanna ran her fingers over her knuckles, "You requested Beverly not treat you any further. Why?"

Will shifted his glance, "She seemed about as tired as I am. Figured she could use some rest."

"Will."

He let out a shaky breath, squeezing her hand, "Please, Imzadi. Not now. Not here." He whispered.

She brought his knuckles to her lips. Not quite a kiss, just holding on, lips pressing gently against his knuckles. Okay, Imzadi, not here.

They sat in silence. For a moment Will enjoyed it. The memories of one thousand lives never lived ceased.

The sickbay doors swished and footsteps approached his biobed, breaking the silence. And Will spoke first, turning to face the door with a smirk.

"Mr. Worf. Right on time."

***

Sleep was dreamless. Drugged and vacant. Until they weren't. His last night in sickbay there were no sedatives.

Nightmares retuned in the late hours of the night. Nightmares of the hospital on Malcor III. The nurse. Her hands weren't her's. They were human now.

Images of memories that weren't his coming further into view. Memories of the lives Odan had lived before, lives that Will now new. The life Odan had lived in his own body. Memories he couldn't quite feel.

He saw her face and he was staring at the ceiling in sickbay. White and boring. More menacing now than it had ever been. Even with the blinding lights dimmed, the seemingly impossible buzzing of machines, that so few others seemed to ever hear, the thought of where he found himself made his throat tight.

A nurse would be by his side at any moment. His heart rate has spiked. They would need to know what has happened. And he would have to think of an answer.

***

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" Will peaked on eye open as Deanna sat down next to his bed.

"I won't have time to visit you before shift if I sleep in." Deanna said.

Will smiled, "Aren't you the one always telling me not to lie?"

Deanna sighed and rolled her eyes. But he knew she was a little amused, maybe if they weren't both so tired he would have gotten a giggle.

"You were anxious, Will." Deanna said, finally.

Will's chest tightened only for a moment. No one would have noticed, no one but her. Even without their bond, without her abilities, Deanna would always noticed.

We don't have to talk now, Little One. Not if you don't want to.

He turned to her, just enough to catch sight of her face. And reached out his hand. His lip nearly trembled and she took it.

Will swallowed but his throat was dry, "It's like none of it is mine. But like I was still there. I saw it. I heard it."

"When Odan was with you?" She asked, her voice gentle and calm. Grounding.

"All of it." Will said, "Not just from me, but from everyone. Everyone Odan was before. Every single one. I know them, I can see what they saw," His voice began to waver, "Their memories are mine, at least what I can still see, but they aren't me."

She held his hand. A beacon of peace and safety.

"But Odan... When I was- It's like I was asleep. I wasn't even there but these ones," He almost felt his throat closing up, "They're me. They're mine, but I can't- I can feel what he felt but it isn't me. And I don't want them."

Will. "Breathe. Count your fingers." Deanna whispered.

"De." He nearly chuckled.

She wasn't so amused, "Deep breath. Count your fingers. Then you can keep going."

He nodded. Looked down to his free hand.

Five fingers. He already knew that. Count them. Not how many do you know you have. He had count.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Another deep breath.

Good boy.

"I don't like it." Will said, "It's too much. Too loud."

"Is it overstimulating having new memories?" Deanna asked. She knew, he knew she knew but she asked him any way.

Will nodded, "I don't want them."

Deanna squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. He wished more than anything that he wasn't in stupid sickbay anymore. He didn't want to just hold hands, he wanted her to hold him and make it go away. She was good at that.

Deanna moved closer so she could run her hands though his hair, "Have you thought of talking to Beverly? She and Odan were close. It might help you feel better."

"No. No Beverly. I can't..." He tried, he tried so hard not to think about it, not to feel it. He couldn't, not with Deanna there.

He tried and he tried. But he could feel it when guilt rose in her chest like a flame and she was sad.

She didn't deserve to have to feel sad. He didn't want her to.

"Will. Oh, Little One. I'm so sorry." Will could see how her eyes began to fill with tears.

He didn't want to make her cry.