To My Future Cheating Husband

LXI. Kill Me Now

"What?"

"I saw the medications, Eli," I said. "I heard you and your families fighting." When Eli didn't respond, I tilted my head up to look at him. Big mistake. 

Do you know how some people cry or lash out when they're in pain? 

Well, Eli isn't one of them. 

He shows no response at all to my statements. 

My legs scoot back, ready for a run. 

"You don't believe me?" he whispers. 

My eyes move everywhere except toward him. 

And when it did happen to land on him, I saw one of the most pitiful smiles in my life. "You don't believe that I'll get better?"

I froze at my spot. 

"That's why you're giving up on us?" he asked. "It's because I'm...dying?"

How do you go about this situation?

There is no good way to go about this situation. 

I dug a hole and the only thing I brought with me was a shovel. 

Eli exhales sharply and for a brief moment, his eyes close, "If you wanna break up with me, just say so."

"I-"

"Don't bring my sickness into this," he said. "I'm fine."

"Eli, I-"

"If you're sick and tired of being with me, then just break up with me. Is that so hard?" 

My mouth gaped open but no words left it. I watch, very closely, as his jaw clenches firmly and his glossy eyes open so wildly I think they may pop out. Eli clenches his fists and his body tenses.

It's the first time I've seen him so...angry.

"Eli, that's not what I mean."

"Then, what do you mean?"

"I...I-"

"So, you are breaking up with me because I'm sick."

"No!"

"You're breaking up with me because you're sick of me?"

"No!'

"You're breaking up with me because...there's...is there someone else?"

"No." Why would he think that?

Eli steps toward me, and somehow, his figure seems larger than ever. "Really?"

I shake my head, and my shoes scrape against the ground. Eli didn't allow me to escape. "If there isn't anyone else then, why were you in Seth's house so early in the morning?"

I've imagined many times how to break up with Eli.

There were images of him crying at my feet. Others were him screaming his lungs at me. I've even imagined him calling me a whore.

I thought, the worse I'd image this very situation, the easier it would be to digest it.

Except, reality isn't so easy.

No matter how many times you imagine your death, it doesn't mean it'll be any less painful.

How dramatic of me - to compare a breakup with death.

"Then, why?" I asked him.

Eli seemed like his reality broke for a moment, "What?"

"If you knew, why would you tell me you love me?"