If Ever | Damiano David Story

Chapter 14 | Got used to you

22 May 2021

I'm looking at Marsia without saying a word. Her arms are crossed and she's looking at me intensively. She was strong enough to face her truth and now she's waiting for me to do the same. She's so stubborn that I know probably one of the reasons she did it was because she couldn't lecture me if she kept doing the same. I know that I can't fight it anymore but at the same time I don't want to admit it, I don't feel ready to admit it yet. Mostly, to myself.

I look down embarrassed. Embarrassed that I can't be true to myself. Embarrassed that I wasn't able to control myself and my thoughts, that all those months I couldn't forget about him, that I spent all those months comparing everyone that I met to him and how he made me feel, that I let myself have feelings for someone I shouldn't have. Because, even thought, I was trying to deny it, it was true. Last summer, I felt something more for him than the physical attraction and I have not be able to let it go. I've been trying to play it down to my head all this time because I didn't want to be that girl that got hung up on a guy she knew for literally, three weeks, and was supposed to be a casual thing, but the things he made me feel were strong and I was not able to erase them. There's no point in denying it anymore. That's the reality. I'm hung up on a guy I'd spent three weeks with, many months ago.

I look up at her and take a deep breathe. "I can't get him out of my head. No one I went out, flirted, made out, or slept with made me feel like he did last summer, and I'm terrified by that though."

"Halleluja." She yells in relief and laugh. "Are you going to do something about it?"

I am not sure If I want to do something about it. Me moving to Italy may be some days away but there's been almost a year since last summer and months since the last time I saw him. He has probably haven't thought about me since then and I don't think I'm willing to take that risk. I'd feel so stupid and that's the last thing I want. You can say that once more I am freaking out and chickening out. I guess I'm scared of what I'd end up feeling. I shake my head. I know she'll understand my decision. It was the not-admitting-to-myself part that she was mad about.

"Are you going to do something about it?" I ask her.

"I guess I have no choice. It wouldn't be right for Stefanos If I don't."

"For all it matters. I think he has feelings for you too."

She shrugs her shoulders and lays back on the sofa. "Don't you feel better now?"

I copy her and lay back too. "Not really."

"Okay. I don't want to interrupt your catharsis but I'm dying here. Give some details. Until yesterday, there was no one you were interested in. I though you were dead inside. And now there's someone you've been crushing on since last summer. I must know."

Marsia takes a sip from her wine. "Oh, don't let that confuse you. She is dead inside. Her feelings might mean that she doesn't want to kill him."

I glare at her. She tends to make fun of me on that matter and the fact that I'm unwilling to fall in love. Of course, for many years I'd been giving her reasons to do so. I choose to not pay any more attention to her. Because If I do, it'll end up coming boomerang to me.

Thus, I turn my attention to Vana. "What do you want me to say?"

"Everything!"

I don't know what to say. I am not really up to talking about him. I just want to let the whole subject settle in my head for some time, but I know I have to answer something. "Well, he is a guy. An Italian one and he is very handsome and-"

Marsia interrupted me. "Oh, he is hooot!"

Vana eyes sparkled playfully. "Really?"

"Yes, but-" I holding my finger up. "I don't really want to talk about him right now."