I got ready for bed then laid down, pulling the covers over me.
I was exhausted but my mind was racing. Memories of Colby and I were still flooding my mind.
No matter how much I tried to push it down, I couldn't. Who would have known that a coloring book could cause so much trouble.
It was something so silly, but was causing such a big reaction.
I hated it.
After laying there for a while, I decided I needed some fresh air.
I hoped that Colby would be asleep so I could be at peace but he was exactly where I was going.
I watched as he puffed out some smoke, leaning on the balcony.
He was on the phone with someone, but it seemed more like a casual conversation than anything.
When I opened the door he turned to me, his eyes blazing with anger before they softened.
"I gotta go, Sam. Thanks for the advice, I'll let you know about the event." Colby said then nodded and hung up.
"Couldn't sleep?" He asked then took a drag of his cigarette.
"Can you blame me?" I asked as he sat down in one of the chairs that was out there.
"It's been an eventful day." He said with a slow nod, holding out a cigarette. "Might calm those nerves." He said as I shook my head.
"I'm not nervous." I said as he nodded. "I know you, Jules. You're nervous." He said as I squinted.
"And what if I am? Why do you care?" I asked and took the cigarette from him. "I don't. Just made an observation." He said and looked up at the sky.
"Can I make an observation?" I asked as he hummed. "Even if I say no you will, so go for it I guess." Colby said with a laugh.
"You're stressed about what happened. Adam said something that shook you to your core. You don't know your next move and it freaks you out." I said then lit the cigarette.
"You're wrong." Colby said blandly. "Yeah, right." I said sarcastically. "I know you. You don't have any fucking clue what you're doing." I said as he sighed.
"And what about it? You don't understand my stress." He said as I nodded. "I don't understand a lot of things that you do." I said and took a hit of the cigarette.
"Like what? I think I'm pretty clear most of the time." Colby said causing me to scoff.
"Let's revisit the fact that I took a bullet for you and fought for you only to get dumped over letter for no fucking reason." I said, feeling the anger building up.
"Then you treated me like a fucking charity case, giving me an ungodly amount of money." I said and stood up, pacing angrily.
"Do you not understand that it was the last thing I wanted?" Colby asked, matching my frustration.
"Then why did you do it?!" I asked, turning to him. "Because I loved you, Julia! You can't even begin to understand the complexity of the situation." He said as my eyes watered.
"You don't understand what you did to me." I said, my voice cracking.
"I loved you and you left me! You were the one thing that I had! The one person I had who loved me!" I said, tears cascading down my cheeks.
"When you left, I lost everything!" I sobbed out. "It was the only option." Colby said, his voice quiet.
"Hurting me was the only option?! My life fell apart the minute you left." I said, feeling my heart racing.
"You seemed happy when I saw you in the club." Colby said as I wiped my tears.
"I wasn't. I've been miserable. I lost my siblings because I got addicted to drugs again." I sobbed, holding my chest.
"I couldn't get custody of them because I fell into the world of addiction, thanks to you!" I said and choked on my tears.
"I lost our baby because of you!" I cried out.
I didn't mean to let that slip out. I didn't mean to tell him about our lost unborn child that I couldn't bare to talk about.
Even the sheer mention of it, brought me to my knees, my heart exploding with so much pain I thought I would stop breathing.
Colby didn't say anything. He just got on the ground with me and pulled me close, tucking my head under his chin.
"You ruined my life." I sobbed out, crying into his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jules." Colby said, his voice cracking.
It was the first sign of real emotion that he has shown me since reconnecting.
It was a shame that this is what got him to be a human.
I sobbed into his chest, remembering how hard the first year was without Colby.
How hard it was to miscarry our child, and how hard it was to pretend I was okay.
"Shh." Colby whispered then kissed the top of my head. I sobbed for a little while before I pulled away and wiped my eyes, scooting away from him.
"You were pregnant?" He asked quietly. I nodded, picking at my nails.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked as I closed my eyes.
"I didn't know. I didn't know until it was too late. I stopped taking pills but it wasn't enough. Before I knew it I was in the hospital, miscarrying." I said feeling my jaw quiver.
"Oh, Jules." Colby said as I nodded. "So stop saying it was for the best. It wasn't." I said and stood up, wiping my eyes one last time.
"Jules-" He said as I shook my head. "I'm going to bed." I interrupted before going inside.
I didn't know if I regretted telling Colby everything. I thought it would make me feel better.
It made me feel worse though.
