Holding On

ᴇɪɢʜᴛ

🌼Ｅｍｍａ🌼

The aroma of grilled beef drifts through the air and permeates my nostrils as I wake up, yawning and stretching away my exhaustion. I make my way back into the house, trailing in the direction of the mouth-watering scent.

I fell asleep in the hammock right after Zain and I returned from the river. I think swimming is as exhausting as it's exhilarating. I must've slept for hours judging from the fact that the sun seems ready to set.

Running my fingers through my tousled hair, I cast my eyes at the dining area to find Zain placing a large bowl on the table with two plates on opposite ends of the table.

Zain lifts a brow my way and shakes his head with a smile. “Very smart.” He stretches both words with a tone I find damn sexy. “Lazy bones. You must've planned everything. Anyways, your plan worked perfectly 'cause I'm done with everything. You only have to sit down and fill your stomach. You can choose to shower first though.”

I chuckle at his humor, happy that he's in a good mood. My appetite appealed, my stomach screams its protest with a rumble when I consider showering first. So I join Zain at the table after washing my hands.

I watch Zain fork a large piece of beef unto my plate, after which he fills my plate with some spoonfuls of fried rice. I'm impressed by how smoothly he handles everything like he's used to it, and I feel tempted to tease him about how he can become a chef. I stop myself because I know that'll sound cheesy.

But that doesn't mean I can't tease him just a bit.

“I hope I don't get a stomach upset from eating this.” I scrunch my face in mock fear.

Zain scoffs. “I bet I do better cooking than you.”

My mouth drops open at the smoothly delivered insult, but I can't help the smile on my face when he chuckles. Zain's mood swings can be unpredictable, and I'm not going to waste this opportunity to share humor with him.

Zain pours dressing on my salad and sits down to do the same for himself. “I made use of the rice you prepared yesterday.” a lazy brow rises at me. “How did you find the rice?”

“I was looking through the cupboards and came across it.” I rub my shoulders, feeling my taut muscles. “it seems like this place is already well stocked with all the necessities considering that you did not bring much. Why is that, Zain?”

I wiggle my eyebrows teasingly.

Zain looks up at me and rolls his eyes. “I wasn't expecting company if that is what you are insinuating.” Then he fakes a forkful of rice and chews. “I guess you aren't hungry enough.”

I suddenly feel starved, realizing I've been entangled in his good humour. “On the contrary.” I rub my palms together emphatically and lick my lips, my actions earning me his curious eyes. His gaze never leave my face as I cut a piece of meat and chew on the juicy chunk.

“O-la-la. Breakfast was certainly worth the delay. It's so good.”

He laughs when I eagerly chew a forkful of the fried rice, the baritone sound reverberating through my ears. “Well, I never doubted my potential.” His face glows with the smug smile that plays on his lips.

“I guess I'll get a vanilla ice cream for dessert?”

He casts me an annoyed glance. “I wouldn't push my luck if I were you, sweetheart.”

Unbidden, a memory from sixteen years ago flies through my mind. Eight years old me had been trying to force my mother to purchase a doll I had seen online. When my mother realized that my persuasion was to no avail, she turned to my father for help.

But my dad only laughed and then replied, “I wouldn't push my luck if I were you, sweetheart.”

I smile in reminiscence of that particular afternoon, but with the pleasant memory suddenly comes a mountain of memories about the drastic turn of events. Everything changed on the night of my tenth birthday, and it wasn't the change I had wished for.

A river of memories threatens to overflow, but I shrug off the emotions, not wanting to disrupt this wonderful moment between Zain and me. I steal a glance at Zain, realizing what a big impact he has 9n my life. He's the first man who caused me to dare myself.

Then again, Zain isn't just any man

It takes me a while to realize that Zain has stopped eating. Looking at him, I find his eyes locked on me. His expression is serious which unnerves me.

“Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin, Emma?”

My cheeks flame up, and I look away, wondering why he had to bring it up. “Would it have mattered?“

Zain letz out a sigh. “That day, I. When I saw. . . you and him, you. . . you looked about ready to go inside and fuck.”

His voice shakes as he speaks. It takes only seconds for my mind to register what he's talking about. I can never forget that day because it was when I committed the worse mistake of my life.

I planned it all. I'd wanted Zain to see me with another man. Then when he'd refused to hate me despite what he saw, I'd made sure to break him with my words.

Body-shaming him. Telling him he wasn't man enough for me or any woman. That he was worthless. 

My chest constricts painfully, regret making my heart ache. “Zain, I…”

“Why, Emma? I stupidly assumed that perhaps you'd gone through some heartbreak and that was why you were so coldhearted and I tried to prove how real my intentions were  I treated you like a queen even when you treated me like shit. Why did you finally accept to be with me only to dash my happiness.”

At the pain and confusion in his eyes, I want to speak. To tell him about my past, my parents' marriage, and how it affected my perception of men, but my tongue feels like it's tied in knots, and no words come out.

“You know what?” Zain scoffs with a derisive chuckle. “What's the use of knowing anyway? It's not like it can change what happened.”

He gets up to his feet even though he still has a piece of beef on his plate. He flashes me a smile that is frigid and doesn't reach his eyes. “Would you be kind enough to wash the dishes for me?”

I nod, avoiding his gaze. He turns and walks away.