Ascension - Book Eight - Man x Man

Chapter 87

Surely, at any moment, he would wake up. But he doesn't. 

Even in this state of suspension, this comatose sleep, he doesn't look restful. The corner of his mouth ever so slightly turned down, the slight tension in his eyebrows. Carefully, I lean forward, tracing my fingers through his hair just to feel the texture of it once more. "You know, I feel so selfish coming in here, rousting you like this. I guess I was hoping you'd jump out of this bed and everything would be back to normal, but it seems we still have a ways to go."

Tousling his hair wafts the delicious scent to my nose, I slip my fingers into his, bringing his knuckles up to my lips. My hand, so slim in his, as I hold the back of it to my cheek. Listening to the thrum of his heart, never changing and so consistent, I shut my eyes and enjoy the warmth of his skin on mine. 

"Randy. I really need you right now." Exhaling through my teeth, I bow my head as I clutch his hand tightly. "Something bad happened and I don't know what to do." The pain rings deep in my hushed tone, crossing my jaw I fight with my own emotions because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. "I was... possibly.. somehow-"

Laughing nervously, I shake my head. It sounds ridiculous coming out of my mouth. "I need you to roll your eyes at me, baby. I need you to tell me what to do because I can't make a decision like this on my own. It feels so selfish to want this as a man, to pretend like anything about this situation is normal when the path is so obviously before me. Gods Randy, I want this so badly." Sinking my teeth into my lower lip, I press my lips to his hand once more, willing him to respond in any way. 

"Have I just gone mad? Crazy with desire for anything and everything I can't have? I have you, a life, a family, how could I possibly want anymore?" Rolling the ring on his ring finger, I track the scars over his bare chest with my free hand. "What if you don't want me anymore after what I've done?"

With a true laugh, I shake my head, my fingers pausing on the chunk of chain that'd been placed around his neck in a crude necklace. The links bruising the skin with their bewitched powers, I can only imagine it was extra insurance. It singed my skin just to touch it, how fair was this? 

"I slept with your past self, I couldn't control myself. There's obviously more, so much more, but you're going to have to wake up if you want me to tell you as I don't think my heart could bare to utter it twice." 

Could he judge me? Was it fair to? He'd cheated on me with Anuetta. He'd kissed Marisol, and admitted that if he'd felt anything for her he would have taken her, he'd practically given me permission to have my way with the past version of himself it meant changing history in our favor. 

But allowing, and succeeding, seemed to be two different things. I was bound to him, in all versions, to hold back from a sexually charged youth in my own state had been an act of gods will on its own. 

Yet. To sleep with the man, while my husband was possessed? Could that be forgiven? While my son was missing? While our lives were hanging in the balance? 

Tracing the backs of my fingers over his cheekbone, I shudder at the vision of Victor drowning him. What if he were too far gone? What if he didn't want to come back to the surface? "Can you ever forgive me for all the sins I've committed? Can you forgive me for drowning you, for making Victor drown you? It was cruel to use your worst fears against you, but Randy, was else was I supposed to do?"

Envisioning his sarcasm, I yank my IV out of my arm, flinching at the rush of blood that slips down my inner elbow. His heart rate spikes, and I hesitate at the implications of such a response. Was he stimulated by the scent of my blood? Was he worried about me? 

Fenrir had said he was hungry. What if we'd managed to freeze the wrong person? What if Fenrir was just biding his time? My wolf stands at attention, curious as I was, we'd been away from him for nearing on three weeks considering the time before my loss of consciousness. To have him so close, my inner self was dying to be close to him, to have his approval, and to be reassured that our acts were forgiven.