You Belong To Me

Chapter 15

Hizashi woke up alone the next morning, feeling the usual sensation of pain creep into his body. As usual. His brain still felt a little fuzzy, and he was left completely in the dark when it came to remembering any events past laying in Shouta's lap the night prior.

He only loves me when he can control me.

He's so kind to me when I'm like that.

All I want is for things to be okay again... For everything to feel happy again.

But the only time I can have happiness anymore is losing my own head. Letting him have all the say in how I think and what I do...

Hizashi looked back to the drawer where he saw Shouta put the rest of the... what was it again? K... something. It didn't really matter. Now that Shouta saw how well that worked, well. He had a feeling that he'd have no choice but to be forced into addiction again.

I am happy like that though. I was in the past, too. But it's not real.

It was never real...

But if it means I don't have to be miserable..? So Shouta doesn't yell or freak out... Maybe he'll stop carving my body if I just... give up.

But that isn't me anymore. It was the loneliest existence in the world. Thats why I had to stop...

It was all hollow. That's no life. I don't want to live that life again...

It's too big of a sacrifice, isn't it?

He punched the ground in frustration, letting out a short, gaspy sob.

"Why couldn't you have just loved me like a normal person?!" He yelled out, grimacing. "I... I would have loved you back..."

He looked away from that damned drawer, trying to read the clock through his tears. Only around an hour until Shouta came back.

"... I would have loved you sober. I already did, Sho... I already... did..."

He tried reaching for his guitar before pausing and pulling back. The wounds on his hands and the pads of his fingertips were still painfully raw.

Playing would be torture.

But what isn't, at this point?

He thought for a second, hating the answer that popped into his head.

The only things that aren't are what Shouta put in that drawer. Drugs... booze...

He's forcing me to make a choice.

Resist to the best of my ability, at least, when it's not forced. Be utterly miserable...

Or comply, even when I don't have to. Give in entirely. Get as addicted as he wants me to be. With my only resolve in the whole world...

Being him.

Nemuri was right about it all. The manipulation, the obsession.

Why... why didn't I listen...

What would she tell me to do?

He tried to remember something. Anything she would say to him.

She'd tell me to be safe. I know she's trying. Be as safe as I can until help comes. Don't take risks. Don't be stupid.

Do what Shouta wants until they can get me out of here.

Do... what he wants.

He clenched his fists weakly, feeling himself start to cry again.

He knew the risks.

He knew his past with addiction. How hard it was to get out, and knowing that if it ever happened again, that he'd be doomed. Stuck in that cycle for the rest of his life.

The first time almost ended his life.

Even if I do get rescued, I could lose it all. Everything I worked for. I know myself.

I'd end up doing anything I possibly could to forget this.

One more addiction could be what kills me for good.

"Nem... I don't- what do I do..?"

"Didn't I tell you to forget about her?" Shouta demanded from the entrance, making Hizashi jump. He hadn't heard him come in at all.

Why was he back so early?

"What do I have to do to get you to forget her, huh? Answer me."

"I- you... I'm sorry, I-"

"I clearly have to do something. You don't understand how sick of this I am, Zashi. Do you even get what I mean? I spend all this time, all this money, risk everything I have just to keep you happy with me. And all you do is cry about it and beg for, of all people, Nemuri."

Shouta took a needle from the drawer and slammed it closed, then jabbed it into Hizashi's arm as he lectured, seething.

"Now why the FUCK were you crying this time? Come on."

Shouta squatted down, eye level with Hizashi who was clutching his arm.

"Sho, you know how I-" He choked up, squeezing himself into a tighter ball. "You know I can't go back... I can't risk doing drugs again. You saw what it did to me!"

"Stop. There's no point in recovery. It doesn't matter what you do here. There's no goddamn future life to ruin here. This. Is. It."

"I hate it, man! It was so lonely, even with you there with me the whole time! That existence was fucking horrible!"

"Well this isn't heroin or whatever the hell you were taking last time. It's completely different."

"Sho..." Hizashi whispered, feeling the soft, cloudy feeling enter his brain. So slowly. So calmly.

The tired, almost euphoric feeling that made his pain and problems fade. That made his horrified heart content once more.

Like he was living inside of a dream.

The feeling he hated. The feeling he loved.

Just allow it.

It's not worth fighting something that feels this good.

I hope Nemuri understands.

Of course she would.

She'd want me to feel good, over anything.

Shouta wants me feelin' good.

And I want it, too.