Tòiseachadh ùr ~Outlander~

¤Chapter Seventeen¤ Skye.

Lord John' fever suddenly grew worser within a few hours and I sent Eilidh out aswell to stay with Jamie to help with Tàmhas, Aislinn and William, the last one grew particularly fond of my kids and Jamie.
I tried my best to lower Lord John' fever and I felt myself that I grew tired aswell.
"Mò Ghràdh?" Jamie asked through the open door in the hallway and I walked halfway up to him. "Yer braw?" He asked and I nodded.
"I'm fine Jamie and Lord John aswell." I lied.
"Ah left some piece o' bridie fur ye tae sloch or mak' some broth." He pointed towards the shelter.
"Thank you." Suddenly I heared Lord John moan. "Sorry Jamie." I rushed back.
"Oh god, my head will shortly split." Lord John managed to bring out and cursed for the lack of asprine and my ability to make it.
I learn a few nature health tips but that one I missed.
"Am I going to die today?" He asked me.
"Your fever did grew higher." I said. "I'm trying to bring it down." I laid another cloth dipped in cold water and Appelcider on his naked chest and he took a raspy breath.
"I need to make a confession." He said and I continued on. "When I heared Isobel died... I felt nothing." My hands stopped for a small moment but I said nothing. "We shared a life together. Raising a child together. I atleast should felt something."
"Just relax." I said.
"You asked me why I came here. Why I would keep contact." He took a labored breath. "I came to see, if I could still feel. Wheter it is my feelings that have died... or only Isobel."
I might have pressed the cloth a bit to hard on his forehead when I asked. "And?"
"I can still feel shame atleast." He confessed." He gasped. "Oh it's hard." I immediately removed the cloth. "It's hard to see you with him."
My hand froze over the bowl and I swallowed. "Why did you torture yourself then? Surely you knew the moment you met me and Eilidh that you could never have him." I recalled the moment in Jamaica where he stayed so nice and friendly towards us. Helped us and made sure that Eilidh loved him as an uncle.
But at the same time he loved Jamie, more than a brother that was already clear on that moment.
"Oh I could have had him." He breathed out and I froze even more.
"What?" I managed to bring out.
"In exchange for my commitment to serve as William's father... Jamie offered himself to me." I abruptly stood up and the bowl felt with a loud noise on the ground.
"I refused." He quickly added and my hands where already clenched as fists. "I would never take him on those terms."
Tears formed in my eyes. "You should stop talking." I turned around. "You need your rest."
But Lord John was already fast asleep while my mind raced from thought to thought. While this was over Jamie and I needed to talk.