murky waters | carl grimes¹

20. killer

"not you"

Once everyone said their hellos and got caught up I felt myself sinking again. The memories of Billy and my past ate at my skin while Talia's stopped my heart. I was so tired of hurting. My back was pressed against the side of the train car, everyone was working on cutting out pieces of wood or making their belts sharp to attack. I didn't need to do that. I had my knife. I didn't expose it but I told Rick about it. 

He let me keep it, he said I needed to defend myself, he said he had no doubt that I am capable enough to use it in a fight, that I would win. 

That's because I am a killer. 

And what makes it worse is that I am counting down the minutes until I could sink my knife into Gareth's neck so I wouldn't have to listen to his snarky orders. I think I'd let him suffer first before I ended it completely. He deserved that for keeping up locked up like animals. 

Glenn made his way over to me, he sat next to me and worked, "Rick told me what you've been going through," he spoke softly as he worked. There were others chattering but I didn't feel like trying to explain myself here. I didn't even want to talk. I wanted to get lost in my thoughts and picture all the ways that I could end Gareth's life. 

"I found Maggie, we can find Talia," Glenn kept going despite my silence, "we will find another place to keep you protected, you and Talia and Carl." 

I looked over at him, is that what he thinks I want now? For me to be protect? No I was more than capable of handing myself out there. I wanted blood. I wanted to go back in time and kill the Governor myself. The only people I wanted to protect was everyone but myself. I was ready to fully accept what I could do- what I have been doing. 

Billy's blood on my face shows how I am no longer afraid. 

Before Glenn could go off about something else Daryl informed us of four people approaching the car. "Ya'll know what to do, go for their eyes first, then their throats," Rick said, he kept Carl and I at the back as everyone else got on their feet ready to attack. 

"Put your backs to the wall at either ends of the car, now!" a man yelled. No one inside the car moved. I stayed sitting in my corner, it couldn't be this easy to get out, they had to have some sort of-

the top of the car's roof lifted and something dropped. "Move!" Abraham shouted and suddenly everyone was flinging their bodies away from the item. The room filled up with smoke quickly. I hid my face in Daryl's shirt that I was still wearing. The fabric didn't do much to protect me because everything went black. 

I don't know how long I was knocked out for, I don't have any thoughts or dreams during this black out, but when I came to my senses Carl was still passed out. I felt for the floor and pushed myself up, I needed to see if everyone was okay. 

Sasha, Maggie, Tara, and Eugene stood by the door trying to seeing if they could spot anyone, Carl lay passed out while Michonne leaned over him, Abraham and Rosita were already back to making more wooden daggers, Daryl, Glenn, Rick, and Bob were all missing. 

That's when I started to panic. Daryl was gone again. Glenn was gone again. I just got them back and they are already taken from me again. 

I was angry. 

I wanted out there and I wanted to kill them. 

You're a killer. 

Before I could imagine anything two gunshots went off and then a giant explosion. It rocked the car and I nearly fell over. I rushed over to the side to try to see if I could see anyone. "What the hell was that," Abraham said as he slammed his hands against the metal door. 

"Someone hit them?" Michonne suggests. 

"Or our people got free," Sasha stepped in. 

Eugene went to work on the door and suddenly Carl's voice filled the car, "hey, my dad's gonna be back, they all are." His faith in his father seemed a bit too high right now. 

"They are," Maggie agreed. 

I pulled my knife out, I wanted to be ready for anything that was coming. The sound of walkers filled the air, "what is happening out there?" Tara asked as she tried to peak through the wooden planks. 

"Nothin' good," Maggie responded. 

It was hard to block out their chatter, Eugene was going on about his cure and Sasha refused to believe it. I was tired of it, why couldn't we all just focus on getting out of here. 

Right as my temper was about to be broken the door slid open, Rick appeared holding a gun and shouting at us, "come on! We fight to the fence!" he ordered. I was happy to finally step out of the train car, even with the walkers, gunfire, and smoke, I preferred it out here than in there. 

Abraham asked one thing of us and that was to help protect Eugene, it was insane that over the years of all of this he hasn't picked up how to kill the dead. However I did do what he asked, I sunk my knife into the side of one of the walker's head that was heading straight for him. 

My anger was at an all time and I felt so much relief drain from my body as I continued to stab through dead. "Up and over!" Rosita called. 

Once Rosita and Eugene were over, they sent Carl, "Lennox!" Carl hollered for me as I sent my knife into another walker's head. I ignored him. Another walker down, and another. 

"Come on kid!" Daryl said and suddenly I was getting lifted into the air, he carried me all the way to the fence, Abraham and him pushed me over. I was mad, we still had time to find Gareth, we had time to take our revenge. 

Everyone was over and we headed towards the woods back to where Rick hid the gun bag. While they dug it back up I felt Daryl grab my arm. "I get your upset, mad even but stop trying to get yourself killed," he was stern but he kept his voice down, he didn't want the other to hear him lecturing me. 

"I'm not," I protested taking his hand off of me, "I was just protecting Eugene like they asked us to." 

"I am not losing you, not you," Daryl said, his voice nearly cracking. I've never seen his man get emotional. He cleared his throat before grabbing me again and pulling me over to the rest of the group. 

"It's not over until they are all dead," Rick spoke, he pulled guns out of the bag and checked to see how many bullets they had in them. 

"The hell it isn't," Rosita said from behind him. 

"Rick, the fences are down. They either run or they die," Maggie stated. 

They were right yet I wanted to go with Rick, take them down so they couldn't hurt us again. They hurt so many people, they killed so many, they deserved to go down too. 

Right as I was about to side with Rick, Daryl took off, my attention was brought to the person he was holding. He picked her up off the ground and swung her around. 

Carol. 

I never thought I'd see her again, not after Rick sent her away. For the first time in a while I smiled. She seemed to notice me and that's when I ran over too, I joined in on their hug. I had my people back. 

Well most of them. 

After Daryl and I stopped suffocating Carol, Rick approached her, "did you do that?" he asked. 

She let out a sob and nodded. Without saying anything else Rick pulled her into a hug too. I was happy to see that this seemed to be Rick forgiving her for her past mistakes. I watched, tears threatened to leave my eyes but I wouldn't let them, I had to stay strong. 

"You have to come with me."