Mikasa es tu casa (Attack On Titan One-shots)

Pixis.

Hmm. Another fine day on wall Rose.

Yep, the sun is out, the wind is blowin, and I am drunk as fuck.

"Commander Pixis, were you listening to me just now?" Rico asks. (You guys know Rico right? That white haired Garrison leader chick)

"Hmm? No woman, I was just observing the view from this majestic wall. Hmm yes... very good..." Looking straight down off the edge of the wall while having an impaired sense of balance, direction, and motor skills seems like an excellent idea.

"Commander Pixis! Please listen, sir!" Another guy shouts. I don't even know that guys name. I walk towards the edge while that guy is probably open mouthed in shock. Those overly concerned and nervous low rank guys randomly spawn out of nowhere all the time...

"Well wouldja look at that, there's a fuckin person down there!" I exclaim. That's pretty fuckin cool. They're so tiny from here.
"I wonder how long it would take to hit them if I spit from up here..."

"...I think he's drunk..." Some other kid mutters.

"Well no shit, Sherlock." I say in the murmurers general direction. I hock up a good gob of spit and spit as far as I can off the wall. I watch it until it falls on that unfortunate person's head.

"What the-?!" A hear a faint yell.

"AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHA HEHEHE HOOHOOO HEHE HAHAHA!!!" Jesus I got him good! I'm busting a gut over here!

"HEEEEEEHEE HAHAHAHA HOOOHOOOO HA HAHEE!" In between guffaws, I reach into my uniform and take out my trusty flask. I take a few gulps while my onlookers shout.

"Commander Pixis! Please!" They yell. Then I hear a growl and footsteps coming towards me. I start to take another swig when Rico comes up and snatches it out of my hand.

"Well that's no fun. You suck." I tell her. She just snarls and shoves my flask in her pocket.

"Time to get to work, Pixis," She says. Grumbling and mumbling, I get up and follow her as the group walks across the wall. When we get down she has two soldiers escort me to a meeting room.

"I didn't know I had an appointment with the president," I say to the young man on my left.

"Umm sir, our government is a monarchy. We don't have a president." He says.

"Ah of course..." We are passing through the rich interior of wall Sina, heading towards the lavish military police headquarters.

"Guys who is my meeting with? I just wanna go hang out with those young chipper new recruits who can turn into titans." Hmm yes. Sounds delightful. I have great ideas.

"Commander Pixis, we only have one of those," The guy on my right says. I laugh and reply, "Well that's what you think."

We get inside and a table by the door has a bottle of red wine sitting on it. "Excuse me a moment, fellas," I say and lunge out of arms reach at the bottle and take as many gulps as I can before one of them comes up and snatches it out of my hands.

"Commander, we had orders to keep you as sober as possible for your meeting. Please don't drink." He says.

"Hmpf. If you knew anything you'd know that I have my best ideas while intoxicated. I'm a strategic genius! They need me in there. I just need that bottle, son." I can already see my words starting to persuade him. After all, he isn't supposed to refuse a commanding officer.

Right when he starts to extend his arm toward me with the bottle, the door to the meeting room bursts open and Corporal Levi stands in the doorway. "Well shoot," I say as the soldier with the bottle drops it in fright.

"What I waste," I look back at him with a disappointed look. I immediately assume a more professional manner, placing my hands behind my back respectfully and standing up straight. I wipe any debris from my mustache and walk quickly inside.

"Pixis, now that you're here, we can start the meeting," Commander Erwin said. I simply nodded and several people began to discuss new plans and the fate of humanity and what not, and I'm interested and I know it's important but today it was just boring.

"Commander Pixis, what are your thoughts on the matter?" Someone says to me. Well that caught me off guard, because I was zoned out. But I'm a commanding officer, and respected authority, and with the power granted from my position I know exactly how to bullshit my way out of this situation.

"Yes, well I only put faith in the decisions that would save lives, gain intelligence, and overall benefit humanity as a whole." That should do it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Erwin face palm. I could say it many ways, but when I say some made up shit like this, Erwin always knows it means I wasn't listening one bit.

"So... do you think telling the king his slutty daughter is pregnant would benefit humanity?" Ahh. So that was what they were talking about. I guess I have to follow up on my bullshit.

"Exactly. The king should be informed of all that is happening within these walls, be it slutty or not. His mental state helps him rule over humanity doesn't it?" I distinctly heard more face palming from Erwin's direction.

Suddenly Rico butted in to save me, "anyways, I believe the next subject on the agenda was the ongoing training of a certain recruit by the name of Jaeger."

When did she even get in here?

"When did you even get in here?" I whispered to her.

"Someone needed to check and make sure you weren't tarnishing the reputation of the entire Garrison with your drunken idiocy." She whispered softly. She didn't even sound mad. That's why I liked Rico.

"...Training is going well, Eren has really improved with transformation, especially controlling his actions," Hanji's voice drifted to my ears. Yes I remember sitting in on a training session out of curiosity. He worked quite well communicating with his friend Armin. Hmm yes, Armin. He saluted me that one time in his well fitting uniform. Yes, Pixis likes.

Oh speaking of things I liked, there was something I was dying to ask.

"So I heard Corporal Levi has been accused of 'eating Eren's ass'. I hear it was quite literal. What do you have to say about that, Erwin? Is this just a sexual innuendo gone wrong?" I asked Erwin smugly. It was so funny to see his eyebrows thicken in annoyance.

"Christ, guys! I understand everyone ships it but it's kind of pedophilia!" He snapped frustratedly. Wow. The true feelings come out.