No Better Version of Me Than When I'm With You

Chapter 8

"Got home late, then crashed on the couch. Tommy made garlic bread."

"You kinda disappeared on me."

"Not really feeling great, Nick."

"Will you tell me what's wrong then? How can I help?"

"You can't – it's just one of those days."

"One of what days, Newt? You haven't explained shit to me!" Nick's voice sharpened in irritation.

"Because I'm fucking depressed!" Newt's voice grew in volume, and worry clenched in Thomas' gut. He knew how easily angry Newt could become when he was in the middle of an episode and was almost tempted to get in between him and Nick, convince Nick to come back another time. "Some days are better than others but right now I'm fucking exhausted and everything is too much. That's why I didn't want you to come over, I didn't want you to see me like this. No one really does, 'cept Tommy - "

"Oh, great," Nick laughed wryly, cutting Newt off, "so you'll talk to Thomas, but you won't talk to me? If you're so close to him that you can't let me in, why don't you just date him?"

"Because I don't want to date him, I want to date you!" Newt replied, voice rising in anger. Thomas flinched at his tone of voice, worried at the hostile energy that seemed to charge the air in the house.

"Then tell me how to help! I've heard exercise helps, should we go for a walk?" Nick seemed to be grasping at straws, genuinely wanting to help but unable to figure out how. Thomas wasn't surprised, Newt hardly let anyone in – hardly let anyone see this angry, depressed, cynical side of him, so no wonder he was upset at Nick for trying to get in. He could practically feel Newt fuming, and waited for the other shoe to drop.

"Oh, you think a walk would help?" Newt's voice turned scathing, aiming to hurt. "Sure, let's get the man with extreme fatigue when depressed and a bloody limp out on a walk, that's a good idea."

"I was just- "

"No, no, I know what you were trying to do," Newt laughed, but it was humorless, "You were trying to help, right? Well, the only help you'll be right now is if you leave."

"Really?" Nick sounded stunned, like he couldn't believe the one-eighty Newt had done. Thomas heard shuffling and knew Nick had stood from the couch. When he spoke again, his voice was hollow, "Fine, I'll go. Enjoy spending time with your husband, Newt, since clearly you enjoy his company more than mine."

Loud footsteps sounded across the wood floors and then the front door was opened before being slammed shut, and the house rang with silence. A black hole had taken the place of any and all of the sound in the house.

Thomas hesitated only a second before making his way to the living room, where he found Newt sitting curled up on the corner of the couch under a blanket, staring blankly at the TV that was still set on pause from the game they had been playing. He knew better than to say anything as he could see Newt was still fuming and now likely blaming himself for the argument that had ensued, but he sat beside him to let him know he was there anyway.

Several minutes later, Newt turned his head to look at him, eyes glassy. "I just ruined everything, didn't I?" He croaked; voice hoarse. His face crumpled then, and tears fell over his bottom lashes. Thomas reached for him and let Newt fall into his arms, holding him together the way he'd done countless times before, the way Newt had done for him.

Not even a minute later Newt shoved himself out of his arms, angrily wiping away his tears, and stalked towards their bedroom. Thomas let him go, deciding he could use a while to process what had happened before he tried to get in the middle and help him solve it. He desperately wanted to wrap his arms around him, remind him that Nick just wanted the best for him and that he wasn't a burden on the people he was around, despite what he might think. But he knew that wasn't what he needed just then, so he let him be.