The Chord to my Heart

31: Moving Backwards

"Thank you for everything, Ruth. I'll see you in a few hours," I said, blinking away the tears as I made my way to my car.

Things were turning around, changing for the better. Starting to have some sort of relationship with Ruth was a step forward. I just hoped all this good last a while. I couldn't handle any more of the bad. Not anymore.

***

It wouldn't start. My damn car just would not start.

I had everything I needed in the car and already let Scarlett know I was on the way. I tried again, turning my key in the ignition. All I heard was a continuous screeching sound. I sat back in the seat, covering my face with my hands and let out a breath.

I was going through my options when there was a knock on my window.

"Hey, sweetie, everything okay?" my dad asked.

I opened the door. "Not really. My car won't start but I need get to Scarlett's house," I said.

"Why don't I give you a ride? I was heading out to run a few errands anyway," he said.

I thought for a moment, looked around and hoped Mase would miraculously pull up in the driveway to save the day.

"I can ask Ruth," I said. Anything but having to sit alone in the car with my father.

"She just went up for a nap. She was up early this morning. But I can take you. It's no problem," he said.

I didn't have much of an option so I nodded my head. "Yeah, sure. That'd be great," I said.

We made our way to Scarlett's house. I stared out at the cars in front of me as he adjusted his rear view mirror.

"Ruth must've driven my car yesterday," he said, adjusting the seat as well.

"Yeah, maybe," I said.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. I cleared my throat, although I intended to say nothing, sat up a little taller in my seat, and brushed my hair aside. Was it normal to be this awkward with your father? I didn't think so.

"So how've you been?" he asked. "How is school going?"

I shrugged. "I'm okay. School's fine."

I felt his gaze on me as I looked out my window now, watching the mountains in the distance.

"Are you excited for prom? You like this type of thing right?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes. Was he serious? How do you have a kid and not know a damn thing about them?

"If you actually knew me, than you would know I've never been to this this type of thing before," I said.

"Look, Lyla, I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean for things to happen the way that they did," he said.

"It doesn't matter what you meant to do. This is what did happen and now just saying sorry isn't going to fix it," I said. I clenched the seat belt in my hands. I tried to slow down my racing heartbeat.

"I'm trying to fix this. But you have to let me, sweetheart. Please," he said.

"You should've tried to fix it years ago when it actually mattered. You can't ditch me and mom for all those years and now all of a sudden step in and try to save the day," I said.

"I'm just trying to be here for you now. I can't change the past, Lyla, no matter how much I want to," he said. He cleared his throat and sniffled. When I looked over, he rubbed his eyes.

"You have no idea what we went through. How many nights mom cried. How many nights I cried. You don't know what it was like for us after you left to live your happy life with your new family," I said.

The fire inside of me died down. The anger faded. I wasn't furious anymore. I was just sad, and disappointed, that he was the man I had to call my father.

"I hate that I got stuck with someone like you as my father. I know mom hated it too. I don't love you, dad. And I don't forgive you. I never will," I said.

And with that, the conversation was over. I moved a step forward with Ruth, but ten steps back with my father. And I planned to stay back there forever. I couldn't forgive him. Not after what he did to me. Not after what he did to my mother. Not ever. 

author's note: now that the semester ended i'll be writing more :) thanks in advance for reading! please don't forget to vote and comment :)

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