Three Words: I Love You (Putin x Angela Merkel)

Chapter 6 - Putin's POV

I entered the prestigious pub after paying the peasant entrance fee. I Putin-walked (like this: https://youtu.be/Wl959QnD3lM) towards the bar, where I demanded my favourite: Vodka. 

"Give me your entire stock's worth of Vodka," I bellowed at the stupid German bartender. 

I saw his eyes widen with fear. Good. He was German, but minus the "man." So he was just Ger.  He cannot possibly be as manly as me. To earn the title of "man" in my beady little eyes, you need to pass the Initiation: outdrink me in a Vodka drinking battle. (And good luck with that. People - not men - have died trying.) 

As he poured the vodka in some useless german glasses, I felt the ground tremble beneath my stool. I was about to get up and blame Germany, again, because I was sure it was an earthquake, until I turned around and my eyes swept over the dance floor. 

There, in the middle, was the most voluptuous woman I had ever seen. She had cute flabby, white skin, and she looked like she smelt of dust. She was ancient. Her fringe was like a scarecrow's, and it lay lifelessly on her meticulously wrinkled forehead. She had the most entrancing eye bags - they reminded me of some Gucci bags I had unfortunately had the displeasure of seeing on Western media.  

But her eyes were truly the most beautiful orbs I had ever seen in my 420 years and 69 months of existence. They were blue, aquamarine, teal, icy, and grey, and they reminded me of winter and parchment paper and smog. 

She was as graceful as a ballerina without legs and she moved with the agility of water that was frozen. She was as beautiful as a model who posed for the "before" picture in a weight-loss magazine. Her skin was as smooth as Mother Theresa's and her pretty nose reminded me of my childhood toy; a stone club from the Stone Age. 

She was for sure the hottest mistake I had ever seen. 

Absolutely entranced by her timeless and ancient beauty, I felt my legs get up and walk towards her. When she noticed me, and made eye contact, I felt something I had never felt before, and I suddenly forgor 💀 I was in Germany. My surroundings dissolved and merged into one. The only thing I could see was Her. 

I approached her tentatively with a seductive and hot Russian stride, making sure to keep my Putin Walk as Putin as could be. (Works on the ladies each time. Trust me on that one.)

"Good evening, my jiggly cheesecake"  I purred seductively.

She smiled bashfully, and so I continued. 

"May I have the pleasure of being acquainted?" I asked her with a disarming Russian wink. 

"I'm Angela" she said, in a cute German accent. The only cute German accent I had heard. 

Her voice sounded like sulphur dioxide. (I am severely attracted to sulphur dioxide. And opium.)

"My name is Vladimir Putin" I said, then paused for charismatic effect before adding, "but you can call me anytime." 

I saw her cute tartlet cheeks redden and I knew I slayed that first impression. 

"Well then, Vladimir, I call you now onto the dance floor." 

I'm sure that sentence sounded a lot smoother in her head, but I obliged. 

It was time to pull out my Russian Hopak dance. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but my prisadyka is sturdy asf. I had been trained since I was a 3 day old embryo. How else do you think I got my glutes to be as solid as cement?