My husband, Joachim Sauer, is as sour as his last name sounds. Everyday when I open my blue orbs, I fight back tears as I have to deal with Joachim for yet another day.
In fact, I find myself thinking about how much I hate him and want to divorce him quite often. Today marked the 25th anniversary of when I first had a thought about how much I wanted to leave Joachim Sauer. He never makes me laugh. He never makes me smile. He never talks to me in a cute and seductive German accent. I'm sick of this man. All he does is talk about his quantum chemistry. It is ironic how he knows so much about chemistry, yet the chemistry between us is non-existent, even after all those years studying chemistry.
Joachim, in all his obliviousness, walks into my room.
"Hallo, Angela."
His voice makes me get goosebumps. Not the good kind.
"WHAT? So now you say "hallo" to me? What happened to "good morning"?" I bellow at him in my thick German accent.
I refuse to talk to him in German, lest he thinks he has one up on me. That, and remove the "An" - as in, the first two letters of my name - from "German," and you get "germ." I think that is very symbolic.
Joachim's face is generally very readable. This is because he is not hot and mysterious like that. Therefore, it is easy for me to tell when he is shocked. And now, he is indeed shocked. But why, I don't know. I guess he is just always shocked or confused. Major red flag, I decide.
"Angela, I didn't mean to-" he started, his pupils feebly dilating. (Yes, this is one of the many strange side-effects of studying quantum chemistry.)
"OUT! NOW!" I screamed, cutting him off. I have no time for his nonsense today. In fact, today is a busy day, I decided as I found a cute outfit to wear:
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Today I am finally divorcing this man, and I don't care what he says. He is no longer my husband.
Quantum chemistry, my foot. This guy has a PhD in Annoying Elite People. And I am, (un)fortunately an Elite Person.
I take one more look at my room for confidence, and because every female lead in an indie movie does it.
As I head off to the divorcing office, I connect my AirPods (because I am bougie) to my Nokia Brick Phone With Bluetooth - NEW EDITION, and listen to my favourite, new song: Fight Song.
This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I'm alright soooooooooooOOOOOOOOOnngggGGGG!!!!!!!!
