Bittersweet | Jaspar Fanfic

(14): CONFESSIONS TO A STRANGER

As usual, it seemed as if my mind was an absolute mess, my emotions and feelings and all that other shitty stuff joining with it; making me over think everything.

I needed to stop thinking of Caspar.

I mean, he was really nice...really nice - but this is Caspar Lee we're talking about. Just a few days ago, I was thinking to myself of how much of a dick he was, and how much I wanted to cut his dick off.

This was the Caspar Lee who I knew from people talking of him in class, speaking of how he boasted about his partners doing all his work. Speaking of how he broke up with a girl just because he wouldn't kiss him.

He also came to school with a giant hangover...

Maybe they're all lies.

Maybe the break-up thing is just a rumor, and....

I thought back to last year when he forced the question he was asked about the project Chris and he did, onto Chris; not even understanding what the teacher had asked him.

I thought of how he called his friends dick because either Marcus or Alfie slapped him to wake him up from being so hungover...

It didn't seem like the Caspar that I knew.

I knew the Caspar that held me in the hall-way when I was crying, telling me to try my best to calm down. I knew the Caspar that apologized to me and took on full responsibility for his share of the project. I knew the Caspar that didn't want any attention drawn to me when I was crying in class.

I didn't know the Caspar that everyone else hung out with, though.

He could be a totally different person around his friends, for all I know I could be falling for someone who is a total player, or something. For all I know the break-up thing could be true.

What if he ended up liking me?

Would he get impatient with me since I don't enjoying talking about my problems so much? Would he break up with me because I'm not up for giving my first kiss in the middle of a party where a bunch of teenagers are higher than a jet, drinking so much that their guts rot, and everyone's 'dancing' is really just dry-humping?

Or would he be completely okay with me not wanting to tell him about my problems like he did today? Would he be okay that I don't want to give up my first kiss at a party, and that I want to give it to him when I know he's special to me, and it's the perfect moment?

I feel like yelling out in frustration.

Why was I thinking about this guy so much?

I feel like I'm repeating myself; thinking of the same things over and over, and over again, which I probably am because I just can't help myself: I want to know what I'm getting into.

"Hey, Joe," Tanya said cheerfully as I sat down outside the hall-way again; the list of people who took the Mock Final on the door.

Some went in, and others whooped and high-five'd their friends because they didn't have to deal with Monroe's bull-shit tests. Tanya and I haven't done testing yet, and I was actually starting to wonder if our teacher forgot we were in our class, but who cares, really? If I don't have to be stressed for over an hour because I didn't know how much time I had left to complete it, I'm not complaining.

"Hello, Tanya." I said to her, putting my bag on my lap.

"How has your day been so far?" Tanya asked, giving me the big smile that she usually wore.

"It's been...okay," I ended up saying.

"Better than terrible, just like I say!" She said happily.