Butterflies and Vampires

CHAPTER 41

"Well, I wanted to walk in my new shoes. Look! Heels! Do I look taller? Oh, I didn't buy it, Veronique gave it to me, as well as this dress. Doesn't it look like the dresses you draw?"

I let go of his hand to twirl in my dress. It reached my calves, pleated with a tight double breasted bodice.

"Yes, you're just missing a hat and gloves," he noted. The breeze was soft and I realized it was already autumn. I bounced back to Uriel, holding onto his arm.

"Bloody hell, I'd never wear a hat or bonnet again! Never hide my face or hair. But I do want to cut it and curl it, they have hair irons, you know. I was going to try and show Cecile but she's so busy."

"I can come with you, right?" His voice changed, into something like a whimper. "On your journey."

"I don't know yet, what do you have to offer?" I said jokingly, but when I looked up at him he was looking at me with those lonely eyes.

You can see that loneliness in someone's eyes, it's a soft narrowing but with the brows creased and the saddest, most vulnerable honesty.

"I don't have a family," he continued in almost a cry, "and I don't want to intrude on either Yves nor Gregoire; it's best if I go away, too."

"Why would it be a bother for Yves?" I asked, voice bordering between jest and fear.

"We have different blood. He might be angry at me for spilling this, but Yves is not fully human. Long ago, a vampire escaped and became a hunter. That was his father."

"No—" I stared at him, and thought of Yves smell. True, he always had on perfume, but I couldn't sense it from him. Then I thought of her. "But Veronique herself—"

"Yes, she loved him despite it, and they raised Yves as a human, but they also gave shelter to many runaway vampires. Despite the Derosiers being hunters, maybe they have a connection between the two worlds more than any vampire or common human did."

Uriel turned to me.

"And you've seen Cecile and Gregoire. You know it, deep inside, a human and vampire can overcome their differences. Don't abandon me, Margery."

"I'm from a line of deranged vampires," I replied. "Edith is a monster, Agnes is just as awful. But you didn't even see the worst of all—Elsie! She said the kindest words, told sweet lies she knew I came in search for and asked for forgiveness. Then she laughed, saying it was all an act for freedom—that she threatened to kill me to lure Edith out."

I trembled and he held held, fingers cautiously wrapping around my arms.

"And then—and then—"

I sobbed heavily as I remembered that face like the past me curling up and that malicious glint just recalling that gruesome murder.

"She strangled Edith—she pushed her into the waters, but she climbed up and she—she pulled a knife to c-cut her fingers and—"

"Shhh," Uriel said, hands now on my back, patting me.

I could hear the sound of water as Edith fell into the black sea and the red that soon blossomed. The pieces of severed fingers on the dock, and Elsie kicked them with her cruel smile.

As I wiped my teary face on his arms I felt the heat rise in my back from where he touched me. I cried louder than I did that day, and the wind blew. He held his coat open and pulled me in. It was like that day in Jardin. No. No, it was the last time.

"Uriel, you can't love me—someone like this."

"I thought so too, I went to the Butterfly clan determined to not fall in love, I didn't even think I was capable of feeling it. I thought I'd marry a human when I'm older, having a life not related to vampires and especially you, Margery."

"Then why!"

"I can't control my heart!"

His hand was on the back of my head, holding my scalp through the curls and the warmth was so—so unbearably comfortable. I had always wanted this.

I hadn't truly wanted sex, I only wanted a hug as long and deep as this, touching my heart and making me go wild with just his hand being on my skin.

"Those days we talked about the outside world, dresses and trains and revolvers, even when we snuck to see the church on Christmas, my heart was strange." He hummed a laugh or cry, I don't know. "It felt perfectly serene, and I convinced myself it was platonic, then it went wild, and I thought I was just scared. I made so many excuses but when I told you I only wanted you to kill Agnes for the downfall—"

"Of the Butterfly Clan," I finished for him, voice muffled in his chest. I felt his collarbone against my lips.

"Yes, when I said that your face changed. Even without my glasses I saw the hurt, I saw you run, hitting the walls and crying for Agnes, and I thought—Why did I do that? And that day, I realized I loved you, I want to take you away. But you were determined to leave.

"Things like that, your courage, your headstrong ways of rebelling, and going for what is true to you, they annoyed me and bothered me but most of all I loved that part of you. Even if you leave without my knowing, I think I'd respect you—but I'd be lying if I said I could take it. I wouldn't be able to."

Uriel was crying, and he inhaled for a long time before he sighed. His heart was beating quick against my hand on his chest. I clutched the sweater he wore.

"Your love—this love is what scares me," I shakily whispered. "I'll become strange, spoiled, and cruel to you; I'll become Edith and Agnes and maybe even Elsie. And when I'm a vampire you'll be old, and when I'm older I might become senselessly sadistic and hurt you. I want to tell you this."

"I don't mind."

"You're only twenty-seven. You can wait. Find a girl who loves you more than me and—"

"So you love me."

"I don't know," I lied. "You aren't suited for me. You'd give your blood whenever I'm hungry. In a way, you are just like Sabine. I want you to treasure yourself. Have your own will."

I pushed myself out his his coat, his warmth, and his hands dropped to his side.

"Is there no changing your mind? Can I follow you again like I did at The Melrose—"

"No." I shook my head. "You said you'd listen to anything I said, and now I've said it. I'm done using you, you have nothing I want anymore."

No. No, Margery! Don't push him away—

"I never want to see you after I leave."

Tell him how I really feel!

"I only ever thought of you as an useful human."

No, that's not true! Hug him, go back to that warmth!

"I'll say, though, I am grateful for the blood I drank."

And everything he's ever helped me with, ever done for me, his emotional support, his decision to not sleep with me, even now, taking all my insults in—

"Let's return."

"No, I can't." Uriel smiled, cheeks wet and glittery like his eyes. "You can return first."

I hesitated, and he stood there, just an arm's length away.

"I promise I'll send you off with a smile."

My heart fell but I grinned and waved.

I tucked my hands into pockets of the dress and walked away, feeling the cold autumn night wind on my back now. It was so incredibly cold, even though I never really care about the cold before. In the same way, I never regretted anything more than this.

But it was my decision. I'll see him, I'm sure, a few years or later with his own family and he would only think of me as a fleeting love affair, somehow it soothed my guilty conscience thinking about it.