Flower Girl | h.s.

34.

Harry

"Do you think three books is enough?"

Daisy is standing in front of me by the bed as we assess our packing situation, and I'm fundamentally on the verge of absolutely losing my mind. Our vacation hasn't even started yet and I'm about to call it quits before we even get in the car.

"I mean– I don't know, do you plan on doing that much reading?" I ask her, looking at the stack that she has in her hands. I've gone a bit conservative, only bringing one. Maybe that was a mistake, but I also figure that we could find a bookshop on the island, if necessary.

"Figure that we'll be lounging on the beach a lot. Maybe in the room, I don't really know what to expect." She answers before throwing the books in a beach bag that she seems to have packed up to the brim.

We have a suitcase each, as well as a carrying bag– backpack for me, and a tote for her.

The truth was: I couldn't remember the last time I had to pack a bag for anything like this. I had never gone away with anyone, I had never actually had a 'romantic getaway' with a girlfriend before. This was new, and I was enjoying the process even if it was causing me internal stress. Finding a hotel– which was a pain, finding transportation to the island– again, a pain. But it'd be worth spending a few days with her.

I gave the trip as a gift to Daisy because I knew that we could have a great time together; I could learn to make arrangements for the kids, and finally do things for myself. We needed this– we needed time to be able to wake up lazily in bed, drink our coffees fully naked, and spend the entire day lounging around. But we also needed time to really talk about our relationship and what we wanted out of life.

That seemed to be something we needed to learn to do more frequently, and being alone was the perfect time to not be interrupted by a kid needing to be driven somewhere or a homework question.

The only problems were the worries that I had leaving the kids with Mitch and Sarah. It wasn't really them that I was worried about– it was mostly the idea that the kids could be a bit bratty when they wanted to be. Lottie was also still grounded and it worried me that she would try to get things past them. Or that she'd sneak out and Mitch and Sarah wouldn't even notice. That was a big worry for me.

I hadn't actually left the kids with anyone like this before. Of course, they'd gone to sleepovers and been away from me before, especially when they went to England without me, but I'd always been around to help when needed. Now, I'd be hours away on an island for a vacation that didn't include them.

The amount of guilt started to feel... heavy, for whatever reason. I knew that it shouldn't– normal couples did this all of the time. But, I had them as a responsibility and I felt like I wasn't doing my job anymore.

"I feel guilty," I say, and I'm not entirely sure why I said it out loud. The look that Daisy gives me is a bit more soft than I would have liked.

"Guilty for what?" I can hear that there's a bit of confusion, but I know that she knows– she's just being nice and indulging me in my feelings. She's just doing what Daisy does, which is making me feel more than I wanted.

I shrug, "I don't want to leave them," I stick my hands in my front pockets. Daisy is standing on her side of the bed, I'm standing opposite to her and we're looking at each other.

"I don't feel like– I've just never celebrated a birthday."

There it was. A true confession that I didn't want her to know about, mostly because it meant that she'd continue to go all out to make me feel the utmost special, and I'm worried that I won't accept the gifts and kindness well.