The ups and downs of Phoenix Marshall

because he's him

monday soon rolled around to my absolute disgust. i get dressed and head out to school. once i open the front door i see charlotte about to knock.

"oh hey" i say shocked.

she smiles. "walk with me to school?"

"sure" i respond as i put my skateboard back inside.

we start to walk to school in silence before i notice that she's wearing my hoodie from yesterday. "that's my hoodie" i point out.

"yeah it is, it's super comfy" she smiles at me.

"i know it is" i laugh.

she blushes slightly. "it smells good too"

"it does?" i ask as i smell it.

it just smells like my washing detergent with a hint of body odour and my body spray. she likes my scent?

she nods with a smile. i can't help but smile back at her, a genuine smile. nobody has told me i ever smell good and it's such a nice and genuine compliment.

we get to school and when we get to the entrance i stop and look at her. "you can go in before me"

"why?" she asks confused.

i look away. "so you don't have to be seen with me"

she frowns and takes both my hands in hers. "i'm not ashamed to be seen with you, phee"

"i know i just.. don't want Justin and his friends targeting you for being friends with me" i frown.

she strokes the top of my hands with her thumbs. "he won't target me and if he does i can stand up for myself with Asher to back me up" she smiles.

i hesitantly nod. "you're sure?"

she nods and links arms with me before she drags me through the entrance to school. everyone in the corridor is staring at us as we walk by.

id be staring too. such a pretty girl on the arm of an ugly boy.

we have english class and surprisingly enough we're in the same class so we walk there together, sitting next to each other.

english is one of my favourite subjects, i love writing and reading. they both make me feel so heard and alive. so that means i try in this class, quite hard. i'm doing my work, not paying attention to anything or anyone other than my work.

half way through the class someone throws a note onto charlottes desk. i look over at her to see what it is.

she looks at the person on her other side and shakes her head.

"i didn't think so" the person laughs.

"why not?" charlotte asks them.

they laugh again. "because he's him? and you're really pretty?"

her expression changes from confusion to anger fairly quickly before she throws the note in their face.

"phoenix is a great guy and you're not. you should really be more like him you dumb jerk" she spits.

the guy doesn't say anything he just faces the front in embarrassment while the class laugh.

i've put my head down on my desk pretending i'm not here.

i spent the rest of the lesson with my head on the desk, not paying attention the rest of the lesson or completing my work.

when class is over i walk out of the classroom with charlotte hot on my tail. "heyyy" she says.

"hi" i respond.

"you okay?" she asks as she links arms with me.

i nod as we continue walking to our next period. she keeps looking at me, concern on her face. she probably feels guilty about what happened in english.

"you're not ugly, you know that right?" charlotte asks me.

what kind of question is that? why would i believe something that wasn't true?

i shrug.

a frown appears on her sunshine face.

"you aren't ugly" she says as she pulls me into a hug.

i awkwardly hug her back as i pat her back, almost as if i'm trying to reassure her, which doesn't make sense but here we are.

at break i start making my way to the toilets like i usually do but before i can get there i'm grabbed by my bag.

i turn to see that it's just Asher and Carson.

"you guys need to stop doing that" i say clutching my chest.

they look at me confused. "doing what?"

"grabbing me" i take a deep breath.

"oh.. sorry buddy" ash says as he pulls me into a side hug.

i nod. "it's okay just don't like having unnecessary heart attacks that's all" i joke.

they both half laugh, trying to find the joke funny but i can feel the pity mixed into their laughter.

we head onto the quad where we're greeted by the two girls sat on the table. charlottes mood looks like it's just dramatically improved since the three of us began approaching. she must've missed her brother.

we all sit down. "i've had loads of people ask me about the 'new couple'" Carson says.

"new couple?" i ask.

"yup" he responds.

i raise my eyebrow. "who are they?"

"you and charlotte" he informs me.

i look up at charlotte who seems to be blushing. she's blushing? what for?

"but we're not dating?" i say confused.

Carson shrugs. "everyone seems to think you are, but i mean they've never seen you so close to a girl so i'm not surprised"

"well charlotte shut down a rumour in english so i'm sure it'll come to an end soon" i say as i lean on my hand.

"what?" Sophie looks at charlotte.

charlotte looks disappointed but i can't make out what for.

there's a silence, it seems like charlotte doesn't want to tell the others about what happens so i'll do it for her.

"someone asked her if we're dating, she said no which didn't shock them because she's a pretty girl and i'm me" i shrug.

as i repeat the words from earlier i feel them tug on my heart strings. they didn't hurt to hear, but for me to say them, it hurt.

"oh.." Sophie says.

"yeah" i shrug again.

Asher looks at me. "are you okay?"

i nod.

"i'll see you guys later" i say before i get up and walk out of school grounds.

i walk to the nearest park and sit on a bench before i start to roll a couple of joints. i need to calm myself down before i have a panic attack.

once i've rolled them i smoke up until i'm completely fucked off my head.

smoking is a key part of keeping myself mentally stable, well, enough to function. i've started to smoke when i get stressed or if i can feel my depression getting worse.

the situation at school was just stress, don't worry guys. my depression has a cap on it for the moment.

i smoke the joints i rolled before i get up, spray myself and start walking back to school.

high as fuck.