Five days to last a lifetime

HIM - Chapter 36

Every word she spoke hit me with so much pain that I almost lost the ability to breathe. I heard from the tone of her voice that she was scared. Terrified, but at the same time she felt so strong. Just the fact that she dared to share this with me filled me with so much admiration. The fact that she had managed to pull through those two years and mend herself impressed me. I could understand that she was scared. I thought that her experiences in telling this before must have led to people questioning her, or even leaving her but I couldn't understand why someone would do that. It took so much courage to share something like this. It was brave of her. Why would someone ever question her or leave her for being brave?

I wasn't only angry with this guy that had done this to her, I was also angry with everyone else that she had shared her story with that never supported her. At the same time I was sad that she had to go through this. No one should have to go through that. And I was thankful that she decided to fight for her life, that she had found that small piece of strength that was buried inside of her, that little seed that she was referring to and that she had let it burn. She fucking let it explode.

When she was done talking, she was trembling, tears running down along her cheeks. She kept her eyes closed. I wanted to wipe the tears away but I didn't. Instead I just held her and I continued to do so until her breathing was steady and the tears had stopped. Minute by minute passed by but I didn't mind holding her in silence. It gave me time to collect my thoughts and to stop thinking about finding that guy and beat the crap out of him. I couldn't believe how strong she was, in body and soul. At the same time it gave me some answers to why she walked with her head held up high, her eyes focused on where she was going and that strong posture. Why she didn't notice, or care about, people looking at her. She was her own person who knew her own self worth, she learnt it the hard way. Just thinking about someone abusing her made me crazy and thinking about telling her that she was ugly and useless made me furious. She was anything but that and I was sure that she had been adorable as a teenager as well, with her dreams and goals. To have someone tear that down and break her into pieces like that.. I could barely think about it.

Once she had calmed down and I could feel her breathing become steady again, I finally spoke, my voice full of emotion. I was close to tears myself as I had felt her pain in her words.

"You should be proud of yourself Amelia.. You should be proud of who you were and you should be proud of who you've become.. I understand that you see yourself as one person before him and another person.. but you are the same person. If you hadn't been the person you were before him, you wouldn't have managed to break free. You should be thankful to her as well.. I am."
"What?", she asked, her voice shaking.
"Do you have any idea of how strong you are for telling me this and how strong you must have been to survive what you went through? I'm not going to pretend that I understand what you've been through but you survived it and it's so fucking impressive. I really love who you've become but I am pretty sure I would have loved the person you were when you were younger as well because she was also you.."
"What?", she said again.
"I said that I really love who you've become but... oh!" I fell silent. Shit! Did I just say the L-word?

Amelia didn't say anything and neither did I. My heart was pounding like crazy in my chest and I almost felt like I was having a panic attack, like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and just disappear. Those words had just left my mouth so easily. I hadn't given it much thought, I just wanted to let her know what I was feeling and thinking and it came out like that. As close to a confession you could come without actually saying the three big words. I waited patiently for her to say something, or do something. I myself couldn't bring myself to do shit. I felt stupid and I was scared because the only reactions I got was two "What" from her and there was no way for me to tell what was going through her mind at that moment. I tried my best to keep my breathing steady and calm but I was so nervous that it felt like I would throw up. My response to her story was a confession? Seriously? Fucking idiot!