FALLEN: A New Adult Romance (First of the FALLEN Trilogy)

What Have I Done?

"Do you know how horny you make me feel right now?" I murmur sensually to him, biting the side of his ear very gently.

I hear him chuckle, and in that delightful moment, I take in his scent. It's a perfect balance of a floral detergent, musk and a little sweat. It arouses me a lot. It's a scent very personal to him, and it will always inspire me comfort. Ashley never asks anything of me.

"Playing video games?"

"Just by being so unproblematic. If I knew the boys were out, I would fuck you right now."

The response is immediate. He presses pause in a hurry and turns around to face me. He rushes his lips to mine. And it makes me laugh a moment, the time for our kiss to sync together. His behaviour brings me life, even though it was kind of expected. I love how genuinely he feels everything. He's so adorable, and it makes me swoon entirely.

"Then we'll have to rearrange the situation." He gets up and tugs on my hand to pull me out of the living room/kitchen to get me to his room. We stop by the wall, where he presses his entire body against mine, grinding against me as he holds me captive with his kiss. He reaches blindly to his doorknob, and the old wooden door creaks as it opens.

I grin as I look the way to Mikey's door, being pulled in Ash's bedroom by its impatient and sexy master. I step back two steps and collide with the bed loudly. The metal springs echo strongly in the room, but it doesn't seem to tame Ash's lust.

I sit on the bed and part my legs to pull him to me. I tug on his shirt, and he gets it immediately off him. I reach for his bum and lean my lips to his hairy blond torso. He doesn't let me explore his body very much. He combs my hair out of my face with both of his hands, pushing my back to the mattress as he climbs on my lap.

After being very expressive in our little act of carnal pleasure, I lay silently next to his sweaty and naked body, still observing his fingers, but now, I'm toying with his hand. I run my thumbs along his palm and massage the tension in his calloused hand. His skin is so soft on the top and so rough under. It's interesting.

He looks at me, making a circus of myself with his hand, but he doesn't say a thing. When I have rubbed every muscle, every knuckle, I close it on mine and bring it to my lips to kiss. I look up and meet his eyes. They are so kind, and it's so easy to read kindness in them.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel good about myself. I feel valued by Ashley and by myself. For the first time in my life, I am treated as an equal in a relationship, whatever our relationship might be.

"When you guys are done shooting your porno, would you please come and help me move the instruments to our van? Dressed would be appreciated, thank you!" We hear Mikey say, and I usually would panic to have had an audience, but it makes Ash laugh with such childish amusement that I can't help but to join along.

I hold his hand in both of mine and rub my thumb on the silky skin. I'll miss him, but it's better to have a soft break than to drag along feelings that will never be.

"So? With me telling you that I love you, does it change your mind about coming tonight?" He asks me softly, so it makes me look up from his hand to meet his beautiful and soft eyes.

"No. Unless... I would understand if you didn't want me to. I know Lucas won't probably want me there..."

"I want you there."

"Then, that's where I'll be."

"Would it be OK if we hung out after the show? Just the two of us?" I instantly step back and worry about his expectations of us. Reading me like an open book, he reassures me. "If this is going to be the last time we spend time together, I want this to be a proper goodbye. Plus, I have lots to make up for."

I can't help but mirror his grin. A little part of me tells me that I shouldn't, that I should come back to Marcel after the show... but Ash is correct, we won't see each other after tonight, and after what happened this week, I'd prefer for our memories of each other to stay good and not regretful.

"I would be honoured. I'll meet you there."

I smile at him gently, looking genuinely forward to our last time together. My mind drifts to other memories when Sophie suddenly comes back to mind. I turn to look at the door, but I can't hear any of the discussion happening inside.

"Why are you here, by the way?" I turn to face Ash as I ask.

He stays silent for a few seconds, resting his head on his forearms that lay on his folded knee. He looks sideways to me, half of his face still hidden against his arm.

"Soph texted me to confirm your text. I couldn't be selfish, so I told her the truth."

"You could have just lied to her."

"No, I couldn't. She would have known eventually, and I couldn't risk for them to ruin their relationship. I know they're a weird match, but it works. Lucas always screws up, and she always forgives him. He needs her more than he'd like to admit. I wanted to take advantage of the proximity for them to talk before the tour really takes off, and you both can't join us anymore."

I smile at him, and I take a really good look at him. I close my eyes an instant and sigh. I'm pleased with his answer. I didn't expect that from him, and it makes me realise that I don't know him as much as I thought.

"That's very thoughtful of you."

"They're my best friends..." He exclaims softly as if it answered everything. It only proves that he would do anything for them, and I adore his loyalty.

He has so much more depth than I've always concluded. It's my fault to not have been attentive enough. He is a true gem, and I feel tremendously happy to be worthy of his feelings but sad to not reciprocate his love for me. Maybe if I hadn't met Marcel, there could have been something between us. But it isn't the case. I love Marcel with my entire being.

"Will this change anything?" I ask him, and when he does look at me, it's with a frown on his face. "The drugs?"

"Oh..." He only lets out and looks back down, with his chin on his forearm. "I hope..." He begins to say, and the door opens in a hurry. "For their sake."

Our attention is immediately brought to the opened door, and we see half of Lucas's silhouette coming out.

"You need to grow the fuck up, Lucas!"

"You're not my mum! I can do whatever the fuck I want."

"I shouldn't have to behave like your mum! I'm your girlfriend! But keep acting like that, and you won't have one anymore!" She yells and closes the door behind him.

I shiver with terrible discomfort. My blood is freezing in my veins, and I don't know what to do or what to say. I think it would be best if I joined Sophie in her room to let her vent. But as soon as I make a single little movement, Lucas stares at me with an accusatory finger.

"This is all your fault!! I hate you!!" Lucas yelled my way in hurt and profound anger. I freeze and try my hardest to keep the tears from falling. I've never felt worse in my life.

Ash puts his hand on my thigh to reassure me a little before he gets up to face his friend.

"Don't put this on her. You're hurt, and you should be. You test Sophie so often, but I don't think she can forgive you as easily this time. And if you don't find a way to apologise and be the man she loves, then you are going to lose her forever." Ash says, and I would be charmed by the maturity he handled his friend and this situation. But I'm too terrified by what Lucas has said to me. He is right. It's all my fault.

Sophie broke up with Lucas because of me!