Seven

Chapter 89

"These kinds of things effect people differently Lil. There's no right or wrong way to feel about what happened." I tell her, my fingers graze at her soft cheek.

"You did what you had to, to survive Lily. We all do." I try remind her she's not the only one to have gone through this, she's not alone and no one - especially me - will think differently of her.

"I know." Lily agrees.

"I guess I just... Well I don't know what I expected to feel but I thought I would feel more y'know?" She asks and I nod, I too expected more. Lily shuffles next to me, folding her legs under herself and turning to face me.

"Do you remember when you first told me the things you'd done to people? And how upset and angry I was at you for not caring about it?" She asks and I nod. I remember it very well. It was the first time in a very long time I stopped and thought about what she had been saying, about my actions and how I felt about them. It kept me up at night, worrying if my lack of empathy or remorse was the beginning of my downfall into becoming a monster like Victor. She reminded me of the simple, yet very impactful, human emotions that separated paragon from monster. But yet here she was, now struggling with the same concept that she had berated me about. It saddens me to notice the changes within her because of what I've put her through.

"I understand what you mean now. About how you become numb to those instances. I don't feel anything about what happened tonight. In fact if anything I'm glad he's dead. Does that make me a bad person?" She asks, her eyes pouring into mine for an honest answer.

"No. It doesn't." I don't know how else to answer her. I don't think she's a bad person, which is true. Lily acted in self defence in this kill or be killed life. But I still note the change in her. If I were to have asked Lily when I first met her if she'd consider someone who killed another as, "a bad person," I don't doubt she would've said yes.

"Does it... Change the way you feel about me?" She asks, a familiar insecurity setting in.

"Not at all baby." My hands take her face between them to keep her eye contact. Thumbs brushing the tops of her cheeks.

"Nothing could ever change the way I feel about you." I insist. The urge to kiss her is strong but I'm not sure if she'd want the affection right now. Lily looks at me for a few beats, silently judging how much she believes my response before sighing and gently leaning her forehead against mine. We stay close like this, breathing each other in before Lily moves to sit herself over my lap. Her arms find their way around my neck once again and I lean back into the sofa, guiding her body to lay down on top of mine. She nuzzles herself into my chest and I rest my chin over her damp hair. Lily cuddles herself against me while my hands run gently up and down her back in slow soothing motions. I can feel her heartbeat against me, listening to the light ticking of calmness settling over her in my arms.

Minutes pass and neither one of us speak. When her heart plays a slow steady rhythm I wonder if she's fallen asleep but when I glance down at her I can make out the interval fluttering of her eyelashes as she blinks.

"Can I ask you something?" I break the silence.

"Mmhm."

"When you called me. You said you had something to tell me. Something you couldn't tell me over the phone." As I speak I can feel her body tensing up.

"What did you need to tell me?" I ask, slightly on edge by her physical reaction to my query.

"It was nothing." She tries to dismiss.

"It didn't sound like nothing on the phone."

"I know but it doesn't matter anymore. It was just something stupid." Lilianna tries once again to brush it off but I'm not having it.