The Search

Love is a Dangerous Game

*Layla's POV*
I have honestly never felt this much pain in my entire life. It's like a knife has gone through every single artery in my heart. There is a pit in my stomach, and I can't breathe. I can't catch my breath. I ache all over. And not from physical trauma. I would have those men rape me and go through that miscarriage all over again if I didn't have to feel this. This wasn't depression. This was grief. I sit in my hospital bed trying to catch my breath. I simply cannot. I can't. I can't breathe. I hear machines beep rapidly. A team of nurses run into the room, and I still can't catch my breath. Voices fill the air, and I have no idea what's being said. I feel an oxygen mask go over my face and I just cry. My breathing still is not better and my body begins to shake.
"She's having a seizure! Roll her on her side!"
My eyes roll into the back of my head, and I can't make my body stop trembling. I'm crying so violently and my body is doing things it's never done. Lashing out. I hear myself gasp, and it's hard to take everything in. Everything is black and white and flashing. It's like tv static in my head. Dear God, please... please make it stop.

- later that night-
"Miss Logan, may I come in?" I hear a knock on the door. I wake up to find a doctor with a kind face.
"I'm Dr. Stanley. I'm a psychiatrist here. I've just admitted your fiancé into our unit upstairs. While I cannot offer much information about her at the moment, I've come to speak with you. Is that okay?"
Mommy?? She knows my mommy? She's seen her? I can't say much. If I do, I will cry.
"She left me..." I manage to say. I begin to cough. My throat is dry from the screaming. Dr. Stanley puts a straw to my mouth and helps me to drink.
"It's okay," she begins. "She didn't leave you. I want you to know that. She wants you to know that. I need you to hear that she is coming back. She just has to stay here for a while, like you. Okay?"
"I have to stay for a while too?" I ask.
"I just want to keep you here a couple of more days. Make sure you're mentally okay to go, otherwise I'd have to transport you to another facility." That thought scared me. I just wanted my mommy.
"Now... are you having any thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else?" Without question, I answer:
"No. Not at all." I didn't even allow myself to process. I just knew I needed to get out.
"Ok. That's great to hear. Now, I do need to go over some things... it says here you were diagnosed with Bipolar II? How long ago did you get that diagnosis?"
"Uhm... 2-3 years ago, I believe."
"I see. Well... I have good news and bad news. The good news is... you aren't bipolar."
I raise my eyebrows. "I'm not?"
"No, Layla. But you do have something called Borderline Personality Disorder. Do you know what that is?" I feel my heart sink into my chest. I know all too well what it is.
"It's like bipolar on steroids," I say. The doctor laughs.
"Well I'm glad to see that your humor is in check! But Layla, you have to take this diagnosis serious. That seizure could have seriously hurt you. You need to have a treatment plan. I've come up with one for you and given you a list of resources to contact if you're ever in trouble. It is imperative that you stay self aware as much as you can. Tell me, do you ever go into dissociative states of mind?"
Uhm... all the fucking time when I regress.
"Yes ma'am. I do. I can usually remember them, it's just hard to control myself..."
"That's normal. You have to know, though, that you can do more damage than not in those states. If you aren't careful, you can hurt yourself. Layla, bpd is so much more than depression. It's grief. The things you feel, you feel to an extreme... sadness is despair. Happiness is elation. Are you sure you're going to be okay if I discharge you? I cannot have you be a risk to yourself, and you will be going home alone. It is very apparent that you and Jessica are extremely codependent on one another. Seeing as abandonment is probably your biggest fear, it does worry me to release you so soon. Especially after you've gone through so much."
"Im fine," I assure her. "I just want Jesse to be okay. Im so tired of hospitals and not being able to sleep in my own bed. Please... I'll be okay." I mean what I say despite the pain I am in. "I can't cause Jessica any more pain... I have to be good."
"Yes, but Layla... you have to be good for you. Not for someone else."
I try to assure her that I'm okay. She agrees to discharge me in 48 hrs if I am compliant with the meds. I also have to agree to answer her phone calls every day for 2 weeks. And to call a crisis hotline if I'm feeling suicidal.
"I can do that," I say.
I begin to cry as she leaves the room.

- 3 days later-

Im finally home and in mine and Jessica's bed. They haven't allowed me to talk to her. My mind keeps racing wondering if she's alright. Im feeling so many things. Grief, despair, anger. I miss her like crazy, but I'm also so mad. How could she walk out on me after everything I've been through? I need her. She promised. She promised me she wouldn't leave me! What if she gets all this treatment and realizes she can't be with me anymore?

I hear the thunder crash and i wail out for Jessica.
"Mommy! Mommy, please come back. Oh, please. I want my mommy. I need my mommy"
I clutch to my stuffed reindeer and hold Mommy's pillow to my tummy. I haven't stopped crying since I got in the bed. I miss her so much. I've never hurt like this before. It's like she's died. She left me...

"Mommy, please come back. I want my mommy!" I continue to cry. And I do this every single night until she's able to come back.

* Jess's POV*
I snapped. Never in my life have I snapped like this. I feel so guilty... I've been in the hospital for 12 days... 12 days away from my baby girl. I hurt her. I hurt her so much. I can't believe I left her. But I mean... I had to. I had to go get help.

The diagnosis made sense. Post traumatic stress disorder. I didn't need a doctor to tell me that. 60 mg of Prozac. Are the nightmares gone? No. But does my head feel more clear? Yes.

I am ready to go home and hold my girl. She hasn't been up here to visit me... I don't want her to see me this way. Weak. I want to be the Mommy she needs. I meet with my psychiatrist again this afternoon to discuss possible discharge. I pray... pray hard that he will just let me go.

"The doctor will see you now," Nurse Ashley says.
"Thank you," I respond. I sit on this hospital cot wearing just a gown and grippy socks. This is the place that you never want to go... but sometimes you have no choice.
"Dr. Skyes?" I hear.
"Yes, Dr. Stanley. Please, come in". I put my best smile on for her.
"How are you feeling today, Jessica?"
"I feel... ready to go. I'm ready to go home and be with my girl."
"I see. Are you having any side effects from the Prozac?"
"Not that I can tell. My head feels so much more clear."
"Good! Now, Jessica. I need you to hear me when I say this: No one expects you to be the super hero. You've got to put yourself first sometimes. You can't control everything. Your health comes before anyone's. If you were on a plane, wouldn't they ask you to put your oxygen mask on first?"
"Yes, that's what they say..."
"And do you know why they ask that of you?"
*sigh* "because if I can't breathe myself, I won't be able to help anyone else"
"That's right, Jessica. That's exactly right. You've got to focus on the things you can control rather on what you cannot. What happened to Layla? You're not that powerful. The universe has its ways... Didn't you say that she suffered from things long before she met you?"
"Yes, she did," I admit.
"Right. You are not responsible for anyone else's trauma unless you're the one doing it to them. I can tell you love Layla. I've spoken with her today. She's ready for you to come home, but she wants you to be sure. She's not expecting you to take care of her. She wants to be there for you. And Jessica, you have to let her. You have to know that that girl loves you. And she doesn't blame you."
"She doesn't?" I ask.
"No. This isn't your fault. Now, I've set her up with a therapist. I'm going to do the same for you. I'm going to schedule a session with you for 4 weeks from now. See how the medicine is treating you. Jessica, love is a powerful thing. It's also a dangerous thing. Don't let your love for one another be the thing that breaks you."
I smile.
"You mean... I can go home now?"
Dr. Stanley chuckles.
"Yes, Dr. Skyes. There's a beautiful girl downstairs waiting for you."
I sigh in relief.
"Now remember, Jessica. Recovery doesn't have a day off. You're going to have to work through this."
"I promise I will, Dr. Stanley. Thank you so much. May I go see my girl now?"
"Let's get you discharged, Dr. Skyes. It's time for you to go home"