the story of us |h.s.|

28 - cardigan

"when you are young, they assume you know nothing
but i knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss
i knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs
the smell of smoke would hang around this long
'cause i knew everything when i was young
i knew i'd curse you for the longest time
chasin' shadows in the grocery line
i knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired
and you'd be standin' in my front porch light
and i knew you'd come back to me"

Nadine.

"So, that's all?" Blaire sits at her desk, leaned forward on her elbows with her hands clasped together.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you finished telling the story? Am I all caught up? We're in real time now, yeah?"

I give her a blank stare. I've just finished recounting the latest drama in my life–as I do before every shift–and that's all she has to say?

"Well, yeah."

After Harry left, he took all the air from the room with him. It quickly became a vacuum, sucking every last bit of oxygen from my lungs.

I couldn't breathe without him there and a small part of me didn't want me to, for it would mean that I was breathing the last air of him.

My skin was radiating heat, both physical and figurative. I have no mirror to confirm, but I'm positive my cheeks are a bright red. When I get angry, I get hot to the touch, I get flushed and I get flustered. I can't think clearly.

I'm so pissed off right now I'm not sure if I want to cry or scream.

I don't fucking care about Finn. I was never going to get back together with him. But I feel as though I did something far worse than that, I believed him when he told me he'd changed. I trusted him when he told me his intentions like a fool. Worst of all, I let Andie trust him too.

I knew the potential damages going in. I weighed my options, I considered the outcomes and I took a calculated risk. Because I thought it would pay off. Because I didn't want to believe everything could be spoiled for us so soon.

It's not that I'm upset at the fact that there won't be a relationship rekindling, I'm upset that he lied about it. If there's one thing Finn is good for, it's deceit.

Now I'm plagued with the inability to act.

Do I confront him about his lying? Tell him he has a lot of work to do to earn my trust? Explicitly state that there will be no romance between us? Finally cut him off from that aspect of my life?

If I do that he might feel threatened, spiral out, and get defensive. He might leave again. Decide it's still too hard and go away. If Finn freaks out for whatever reason and goes away, I'll be fine. Andie won't.

He won't be leaving just me this time, he'll be leaving us.

And the thought is enough to make the decision for me. I barely managed to hold it together until I got to my room. I gently shut my door as the floodgates open.

I could feel myself fracture into a mosaic of tiny shards, scattered about the floor.

I bite my hand to stifle the noise, not wanting to alarm the girls, though I'm sure they already know something happened. Harry and I weren't exactly quiet when we were arguing.

My feet carry me to the foot of my bed, and I sit. I sit as I silently weep.

In this moment, I am nothing but a girl overcome with sorrow giving the world a front row seat to the destruction of her own life. A life of loneliness, love, and loss.