the story of us |h.s.|

11 - all you had to do was stay

*tw ! brief mentions of death and grief*

"all you had to do was stay,
had me in the palm of your hand
then why'd you have to go and lock me out when i let you in?
now you say you want it back,
now that it's just too late.
well, it could've been easy.
all you had to do was stay"

Nadine.

I spent the entire drive to Harry's house pushing those thoughts down and convincing myself they weren't true.

I'm only feeling this way because I need closure; something I never got before.

These feelings are only present because I didn't have the chance to completely resolve them.

Once I get closure, I'll be fine. I'll finally be free of the shackles Harry put on me thirteen years ago.

Besides, I only have one week left. Only two more weeks and then we'll go back to how it was before. Friendly for the kids.

"Thank you. For what you did tonight. You didn't have to." I stare at the glimmering crimson red liquid in the wine glass, accented by the dim light of Harry's living room.

"I know I didn't. If it makes you feel any better, I guess I could say that it was motivated by selfishness."

"Selfishness?" I knit my eyebrows in confusion, imploring him to elaborate on what he really meant.

"I guess I just..." his voice trails off, hesitant; it's almost like he's picking the perfect sentencing before he continues, "I just don't want to get caught in this lie either. I haven't talked to anyone from school, and frankly I didn't want to."

"Haven't you been lonely then?"

He shakes his head. "Don't worry about that. I haven't been the slightest bit lonely since I've been back. How can I when I have Lennon? And now you, I guess."

I take a deep breath, bringing the crystal glass up to my lips as I hesitate before finally letting the liquid enter my mouth, coat my tongue and teeth, and glide down my throat.

"You can't rely on me for everything now, Harry. You know that?"

"Of course I do. Things are just so...natural with you. It's like..." he trails off, unable to find the words or piece his thoughts together.

"Like you're falling back into that rhythm again." I finish for him, knowing exactly what he's feeling. I feel it too.

"Yeah, exactly. You know, you always had the words when I didn't. If I wasn't responsible for why things ended between us and we were reconnecting after an amicable split, I think I'd ask you what happened between us." He tries to lighten the subject matter, even though both of us are well aware of how heavy it actually is.

"Would you like me to answer?" He knits his eyebrows together in confusion. "Your question. What happened between us?"

He opens his mouth, only for no words to come out. Slowly, but surely, he chokes out; "Only if you feel so inclined."

I take a deep breath, letting the oxygen fill my lungs before expelling it all, barely leaving any behind.

"I'm not going to bore you with all the details of what went wrong, when it did, or why it did because I feel as though you know them better than I do, but I will say this; You know it's your fault. That I know." He nods his head, slowly; respectfully.

"But I also know that you had me. I believe that's the tragic thing. The more I think I know, the less I actually do. I was in the palm of your hand and you could've clasped me in it so tightly, never to be let go, and I would've been fine with that. Loved it, actually. But you didn't. You discarded me like a piece of paper or excess waste you'd decided you no longer needed."