sʜᴀᴛᴛᴇʀᴇᴅ

T H R E E

Alexa

It had felt so good to be on a bed again, but that doesn't mean that I slept very good. I slept for only three hours--and in those three hours, only nightmares had greeted me.

I wasn't looking forward to telling my uncle all that has happened in the last three months. I can barely think of it without feeling fear and despair.

I tried not to think of others I haven't seen since I had became Benny's prisoner. My stepbrothers. My ex friends. Even my bullies, who had started treating me like a human being.

I miss them. I know that I shouldn't, not after everything that had happened. I know that they had hurt me, but I miss them terribly. I just came back from something traumatic, and I just wanted my big brothers and my closest friends. I know that it's not going to happen--as it shouldn't. Not after everything. Still, I ache for them.

I started itching at my arms and glanced down. Cuts that I had given myself all those months ago were long faded, not even a single scar remained. I guess that made sense. It wasn't that bad to leave permanent scarring.

And of course while with Benny, I had no access to any sharp objects. So even though I wanted to badly, I didn't cut myself. I just wasn't able to.

But now...

I bit my lip. I've been through so much pain. My heart hurt. I wanted to cry, but no tears came out.

I glanced at the clock. It was only 4:02 a.m. I was still exhausted, but I knew that I wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep any time soon, so I stepped out of bed.

I exited the room and walked down the hallway, into the kitchen. I stared at the knives that was hung up in place. It's been so long. I've never used knives before, though. Only razers, but I was growing desperate to get rid of this emotional pain, to replace it with something physical.

I wanted to see my blood.

I grabbed one of the knives, having to stand on my tippy toes to reach it, and I quickly went back to the room and closed the door, the knife firmly in my hand.

I sat down. Not on the bed, but on the floor right next to it. I crossed my legs together and stared down at the knife. I glanced at my arms. I couldn't cut there. Not until I get a jacket or long sleeve shirts.

Legs it is then.

I rolled my left pant leg up and brought the knife to it. My arm shook. I grew afraid. I've never used knives. That alone made me scared. But I needed to make myself bleed.

I pressed the top of the knife up to my leg and pushed down. A trickle of blood went down my leg. Not a lot. Maybe just a few drips, but the burning sensation I felt afterwards made me feel relief from the emotional baggage I've been carrying.

I needed to feel more. So I made another cut. And another. And another. I was blinded by the pain. There was so much blood, but I just kept going. It's been too long since I've done this. I needed to make up for lost time.

I started to feel dizzy. There was so much blood on my leg. Maybe I made too many cuts. Fuck.

I tried to stand up, but the room started to spin. I fell back to the ground and passed out.

•••

There was a knock at my door. I opened my eyes, groggy. I jolted up, my heart hammering out of my chest. I looked down at my leg. Dried up and stained blood on it, so many cuts. I quickly pulled my pants leg down and stood up, which caused me to wince. My leg was sore.

I walked over trying not to limp or grimace and opened the door to see Ryan. I smiled. I'm just so glad he didn't come in without knocking. Then he would have seen the damage that I had given myself. I have no idea how long I was unconscious for, but it must have been a couple of hours, for Ryan to be awake now.

"Hey," Ryan says. "Sleep okay?"

I nodded, even though it was a lie.

"Are you hungry?" Ryan asked. "Malissa's cooking eggs."

My stomach rumbled at the thought of eggs. But at the same time, it clenched up. I looked at my uncle. "Maybe," I decided to say. What is going on with me?

Ryan chuckled, but then turned serious. "So do you want to tell me what happened? Everyone thought you were dead."

I sighed and glanced down. I really didn't want to relive anything that had happened. "Can it wait, please?" I asked.

"Fine. Just for now." Ryan hugs me and I hug back, grateful to be in his embrace.

I'm not going to be ready when Ryan demands me to tell him everything, but I decided not to dwell on that.

"Let's go to the kitchen," Ryan said. "malissa is looking forward to see you."

I allowed a smile to appear on my face as I nodded, and the both of us walked out of my bedroom all the way into the kitchen--my leg aching the entire way. The pain afterwards is going to need getting used to.

Malissa noticed me immediately. She stood by the oven, making eggs like Ryan had said she was doing. She beamed at me and I gave a slight wave.

"Hey, Alexa! Love to see you, I'm so glad you're okay!" Malissa tells me, rushing over to hug me--leaving the eggs unattended.

She let go and studied me. "You look hungry," she says. "Alexa, can you be a doll and go get Dylan while I make our plates, hm?"

I nodded. "Okay," I say and went to go retrieve him.