before you love me | jjk

chapter fifty-seven

She completed the rest of the soundcheck in a daze, but was silent as she made her way to her waiting room after confirming that he was okay.

Ultimately, she had nothing to say.

So she thought instead. She thought a lot.

She thought about how for her, maybe this was the tipping point. This third incident wasn't some grand betrayal or dramatic scene. It wasn't a screaming match or a charged argument. It wasn't harsh words or slammed doors.

No, this third incident was an insignificant gesture and seemingly inconsequential uttered word that if it happened in isolation, could have easily been overlooked.

But it didn't happen in isolation.

It happened in relation with the first two incidents and stained the picture that Narae wasn't quite sure she wanted to look at anymore.

She thought about how over the year they'd been together she'd turned a blind eye to multiple things she usually would have never ignored.

She thought about how she couldn't even hug him when she was happy, or console him when something bad had happened. How she couldn't even go on dates with him or spend her birthday with him without him feeling paranoid, and how whenever she'd bring it up she'd always get the same answer.

She thought about how much it took its toll on her pretending that it was okay every time she was denied by Jungkook. How mentally and physically tiring it was to keep up the façade that she was fine.

She thought about how she constantly pushed down her feelings to accommodate his. About how time after time, no matter how much she tried to deny it, she had never been a priority. How his words said one thing, but his actions said another.

She also thought about Yoongi and Asa. About how they were each other's most important person. About how with them, the other came first. How any other situation was minor and unimportant as long as they were together and they were okay. About how much she wanted that kind of relationship for herself.

She thought about her own relationship with Jungkook, and how fame was the unwelcome third party that marred their every interaction. About how she was willing to risk it all for Jungkook and how she wasn't so sure he was willing to do the same.

She thought about how things would be once the tour was over, once she moved out of the dorms and went back to their separate schedules. How they would no longer have the excuse tying them together and explaining their close proximity, and how they wouldn't be able to see each other every day.

She thought about how much she loved Jungkook and how much he loved her. And about how lately the love hadn't been feeling like it was enough.

Narae thought about a lot of things.

And when she was done thinking, she called the one person she knew would provide her fair, unbiased opinion.

"Hey Moonie, what's up?" Haneul's cool greeting came through the phone.

"Haneul, what do you think about me and Jungkook?" Narae asked, cutting straight to the point.

"Jungkook? Where is this coming from? Did something happen?" Haneul's tone instantly became worried. The detached manner in which Narae was speaking instantly signalled to her that something was wrong.

"Yeah. Or should I say they've been happening. I don't know, I'm just... realizing a lot of things now that I didn't before. Or rather, that I didn't want to realize before." Narae sighed dejectedly before telling Haneul everything. From when they had first met to the present time, leaving no detail untouched.