Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Thirty Seven

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"You can just put her here." Lou spoke as she tapped the bed inside their rented room.

Debbie gave her a soft nod. She slowly crept into the bed and was about to put down Blaire when the kid held her neck, her eyes too doe and too irresistible as she stared at Debbie's brown eyes.

"Don't go Ocean..." Blaire requested as she gave Debbie a pout, "Stay."

Enough, Lou thought as she watched Blaire. She sat on the bed and held Blaire's hands as she kissed it, "Baby, she's not Ocean. Her name's Debbie Reeves. She's not Ocean, okay?" She explained to the kid, with Debbie watching her; too caught up into her as she spoke, "Also, her husband is waiting for her in their room." Lou stared at Debbie, "She needs to rest too."

"But I want her to stay."

"Blaire, let Debbie rest. She's tired too. She can't stay here with us. Mr. Reeves is waiting for her."

And there, Debbie's heart started to burst. De ja vu. Danny and Lou before. That afternoon nap. That afternoon dance. She wanted to run out of the room, but she couldn't; it was a battle between her mind and her heart. Blaire ignored her mom as she looked at Debbie, silently asking her to stay. Those blue eyes, almost a reflection of Lou's ocean eyes stared at her; as if Blaire knew the histories of their dead love patched behind the thunderclaps in her eyes. Debbie wanted to look away from Blaire's stare, but she ended up taking the kid's hands, ended up kissing it like what Lou did just a  little while ago. 

"Debbie, it's fine." Lou spoke as she looked at Debbie, eyes suddenly too familiar, "You can go rest. I can take care of Blaire."

Let me stay. Ask me to stay. "No, Lou.", The brunette replied as she smiled, "The kid wants me to stay." She added softly with her smile so bright that Lou just wanted to lean down on her and kiss her, "I'll stay." And when those words came out of her red lips, Lou silently gave up a sigh.

She wished, Lou wished that Debbie will stay; will stay for another day, for another week, for another lifetime with them, with her, but she knew that it was not what her ex-wife meant, but could she blame her heart for desiring the impossible?

"She's about to fall asleep." Debbie muttered softly as she stared sweetly down on Blaire, "She's pretty, Lou." She added as she looked at the blonde, "Pretty like you."

And there, in her weakest version, Lou refrained herself to cry. Maybe, she could never walk away from Debbie, not when Debbie was a charm to her kid, not when she would often see Debbie, and not when Debbie was on her bed, kissing and hugging Blaire as if Blaire was her daughter too. She loved her, terribly and hopelessly even after everything Debbie did and too scared to admit, even if she could walk away from the brunette, Lou would not. She could never, ever, walk away from Debbie. Not by the gods who looked down on the blonde as she ran out of reasons to make her stay, and definitely, not by the nights Lou spent crying out Debbie's name, and not by the tattoos Lou had that Debbie knew were hers. To walk away from her was something Lou never learned. Despite the new ring on Debbie's finger, Lou was still holding their forgotten vows - and she meant every word that Debbie did not.

Lou couldn't think of any other word to say, instead she got on the bed like what Debbie did, Blaire in between them as she stared at her now sleeping child, "Adopted her when she was one." She started as she brushed off some loose hair that was on Blaire's forehead, "She's so pretty, Debs. Her eyes are just so bright and I couldn't resist not taking her home." Lou looked and smiled at Debbie who was already smiling at her, "She's one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me, Debs."

"Yeah." Debbie replied softly as she laid her back flat on the bed, eyes glued on the ceiling now, oblivious of the fact that Lou was still looking at her, "You're a great mom, Lou. Danny and Blaire are so lucky to have you."

"I miss Danny." The blonde blurted, imitating Debbie as she laid flat on her back too, "I miss our daughter, Debs."

Silence followed. Debbie heard it. Lou missed Danny, and she too, missed Danny terribly. But she couldn't answer now because her tears were dwelling on the corners of her orbs, and she knew that if she spit another word, she would be crying. Lou never spoke another word, instead she did what Debbie couldn't do the other time: she reached for Debbie's hand, held it dearly as if the brunette's hand was still hers to hold.

"And I would like to admit that I miss you, Debs." Lou muttered softly, unaware that she was already silently crying, "I miss you badly."

And there on the bed, Blaire in between them and with Lou holding Debbie's hand, Debbie silently and finally let her tears fell. I miss you, Lou. I miss you very much, and in her throat were the words she couldn't say; too afraid of hurting the woman she still loved.

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