Summoning Our Country - NHS Kai

Chapter 23: My Resolution

"T-Thanks..."

I should know better, yet my body still elected to fucking stutter. What the hell, me? In an almost comical example of a 180, he who used to be so shy was now cool and I who used to be composed was now jittery.

As I saw the signs of him preparing for his departure, I mustered up the courage to ask him about something that had been gnawing at the back of my mind. I hated that I had to muster up the capacity and energy to do something so menial, so mundane... Was it seriously down to something as simple as my feelings? Or is there something even more sinister to the reasons behind this? For once, I was at a loss, and I couldn't help but gnash my teeth at something that was so close yet unbelievably far out of reach. It felt as if I was going to lose on something big if I didn't do anything. As my heart started to beat faster, I took the leap of faith into the unknown.

"Ludius..."

My hand took off faster than my words, clinging onto his unassuming, sweaty white shirt before my tongue even managed to articulate my thoughts.

"Yes?"

I hesitated. My doubts, reservations, rationale, and those words that the bitch Lorraine told me all those years ago acted like dams in my mind that firmly held the outflow of thoughts from the dark recesses of my desires. I had an inkling of that gut feeling that asking him about this was going to be a mistake. By doing so, I will be extending my weak, exposed wrists to the chains of attachment to which I will be a slave too. Even now I wonder why it came to that point; I could never be content with the explanation that I was simply looking for a way out. Ludius could provide that opportunity, but he wasn't the only avenue at that crossroads.

In any case, the dams collapsed, and my rationale relented.

"Why are you doing this?"

The regrets followed suit with their relentless assault on my sanity. The intensity of what felt like an inferno engulfing my entire person made me want to shrivel and disappear on the spot. What the hell was I saying?

Then there's Ludius. That damned grin of his was punchable looking back, but at the time, it felt like I had finally happened on a genuine fountain of water in the desert after happening on countless mirages.

"To tell you the truth, I have been interested in you since before."

I remember the confusion that moment had brought on me. His words were nothing less than shell-shocking. What was he saying? Why are such comforting words coming out of his mouth? Why am I falling victim to such flattery? Why was he being so kind?!

"The way you carried yourself despite your father's death and everyone's sickening attitude towards you."

No. Stop. This is anything but genuine! He's trying to get into my head by validating my sufferings and hitting where it hurts! This was a crystal clear case of manipulation! And yet why–why was I smiling at those words?!

"You've more than proven your worth standing your ground against abuse."

That's not true. If that were the case, I'd be the one pinning you down instead!

"I want you..."

His words felt like snakes that slithered across my entire soul, wrapping their coarse, scaly bodies all around me to secure their unwelcome grip. They violated my entire person, destroyed my sanity, and poked open holes in my capacity to reason. However, back then, in my relative innocence and ignorance, still clinging to hope of a better future, my mind fell for his illusions that such simpering was for my own sake.

"...to be by my side."

Like a skilled marksman, he shot his words through the smallest of the chinks in my armor, bypassing layers of defenses and inflicting a mortal wound on my sanity.