A Terrific Surprise (Lord Farquaad x Y/n)

The Journey - Donkey

Y/n and Shrek set off at around midday, squelching through the muddy tracks leading them away from the swamp. "Yanno, I really have it out for that Farquaad guy." Shrek grumbled, "You ever heard of him before?" Y/n told him about how Donkey and the fairytale creatures ended up outside Far Far Away, "Yes, just as I suspected, right piece o' work."

They walked in silence for a long time after that short conversation. Shrek kept on clenching and unclenching his fists as though Farquaad was stood an inch from him, waiting to be punched.

Eventually, y/n and Shrek reached a dry forest with tall, dark spruce trees, "Be careful," y/n warned Shrek, "these woods are full of outlaws, and not the kind you're used to." He uttered a small grunt in response and began treading more lightly. They snuck through the first half of the forest without interruption, keeping their eyes peeled for any movement. Just as they reached a fork in the path between a few trees, a man wearing a green tunic and trousers, elf-looking shoes, and a pointed green sailor-style hat launched himself from a branch above them and landed just a few feet in front.

"I..." he began triumphantly, "am Robin Hood!" A hoard of other men leapt down from their tactical positions in the trees above, "And these are my merry men!" Robin announced. Shrek and y/n looked around; there was a man there almost the same size as Shrek, also wearing green but his outfit was a monk's robe, a man who looked similar to Robin but with darker hair who was holding a lute, and another man who was wearing a drum around his neck, amongst around seven or eight others. The musicians of the odd group began plucking and beating their instruments and Robin began to sing a beautiful jazz number... to y/n.
"Hey, darlin'!" he started then spoke the next line, "What's your name, by the way?" he took her hand and kissed it. "Uh. It's y/n." she said unenthusiastically. "Y/n! Y/n, oh, y/n!" he returned, singing once again and walking backwards with a grand gesture, "Your beauty, it strikes me, so why can we not be?" Y/n sighed and tried to move past but he pressed his hand to her shoulder to stop her and proceeded to sing right in her face, "If death were to take me now, I'd be so happy now,"
"Did he just rhyme now with now?" Shrek whispered to y/n as Robin took his song up into the middle of a tree. Y/n looked up to meet Shrek's eyes and shrugged. "Won't he just take me nooooowww?" Robin continued, rather morbidly, swinging on a thin branch and flying forward away from it, almost landing on y/n's feet, "If I can't be with you, if I can't be with you, if I, can't, be, with, youuuuu!"

There was a stunned silence. Robin knelt on one knee, holding his arms out towards y/n, breathing heavily, his chest heaving in and out, "Well," he gasped, "whaddaya think, honey?" Shrek and y/n looked at each other for a moment, lips folded in as they tried their hardest not to laugh. After a few seconds they just couldn't help it and burst out in hysterics, "Wh- aahahahaha, why was he- hee hee ha ha ha, swinging on the tree like that? AHAHAHAA!" y/n burst out, holding the sides of her stomach. "He looked like a wee squirrel, OHOHOHOH!" Shrek exploded, wiping tears from his eye and resting one hand on his wobbling beer-belly, "Oh, that was good!" he sighed, "Now let us through."

"What?" Robin exclaimed, shocked.
"I said, let us through." Shrek repeated, much more serious now.
"Friar Tuck!" Robin flung a finger towards the larger man in the monk's robe, "Take her for me!"
"Oh no yeh don't!" Shrek yelled, grabbing Friar Tuck by the shoulders as he lunged towards y/n. Friar Tuck lifted his knee and kicked Shrek in the unmentionables. "CHRIST!" Shrek fell to his knees, his ogre ears bending weakly towards his head. As y/n was left in the open, Friar Tuck grabbed her by the waist and lifted her into the air. She began kicking her legs wildly when she noticed the two musicians and Robin sprinting towards her, wielding their instruments as weapons. Shrek had, meanwhile, managed to get himself back onto his feet and was being attacked by the remaining men. From what y/n could see, despite being spun and shaken by Friar Tuck, Shrek had managed to pick up a few of the men and chuck them, head first, into the trunks of some trees, at which point they appeared to slide down and lay at the bottom, unmoving.

Several minutes of fighting ensued and it was getting to the point where y/n didn't think she'd be able to withstand any more. Her legs were just giving in when she heard a "Hah!" and felt Friar Tuck's legs buckle as she fell to the ground. Sitting up, she saw Robin and the two musicians being chased into the woods by what looked like an enraged boar.

Y/n scrabbled onto her feet and charged at the few men who were feebly attempting to bring Shrek down. She pulled her fist back and rocketed it towards the back of one of their skulls, sending him tumbling down to Shrek's feet. At seeing this, the other men bolted back down the road from the way Shrek and y/n had come.

Brushing himself off, Shrek asked, "Are yeh ok, y/n?"
"Yes, lucky those other guys were too weak to get past my legs. If Friar Tuck hadn't picked me up, I would have been in a lot more trouble, let me tell you."

"Damn, if I hadn't have been there to save your- y/n!" Y/n turned around to look behind her and saw Donkey, smiling up at her. "Donkey!" y/n shouted brightly, bending down to bring him into a hug, "I haven't seen you in almost a year! Where have you been?"
"It's funny you should ask that, y/n. You see, this is my first hour as a free ass since the last time you saw me..."