What If Instead Of...

17 Aiden

Before Vivian, I just lived to eventually die one day – there was literally no point without her.

It's amazing that not so long ago she was afraid to even think about touching and direct looks.
Remembering the path we have traveled, I bury my face in her palm and rub against it like a pet who has waited to be caressed.

"For the most part, my reluctance to start a family was due precisely to the experience of losing loved ones - I did not want to one day cause my children the same pain that I experienced myself.
Now thoughts creep into my head that I can, like my parents, just make up my mind and leave, simply because it's in my blood..."

It seems like I'm digging my own grave, describing to the love of my whole life a colorful and increadibly 'encouraging' prospect of living together with me.

"And how did they manage to deceive everyone so cleverly?"

"In fact, the police only found their car in the lake when the tragedy was announced to us.
I then wandered along the shore every day in the hope of meeting mom and dad – safe and sound, of course," I bitterly grin at my childish naivety and faith. "A month or two later, we were informed that their bodies had been found, but the police refused to show them for reasons that the sight alone could greatly put our mental health at risk, so we only saw coffins during the funeral ceremony. Apparently, my precious parents bribed the cops."

Vivian and I take a moment to reflect on what has been said.

"You know, it may sound harsh, but I'm glad you thought they were dead," the girl confesses, shyly lowering her eyes and trying to remove her hand from my face.

I manage to gently grab her wrist in time and press my cheek against her warm palm again, closing my eyes from the pleasure and peace that she gives me so generously.

It's true – knowing that you are no longer wanted is much more painful than putting up with an accident.

"I was a really good boy," I begin, without opening my eyes, "You can ask Leo. If I had stayed the way I was, I think I would have lost my virginity by the age of twenty... or maybe never at all," I try to joke, at the same time wanting to briefly but accurately describe to Vivian the picture of what I was. "I don't know why they did this to me..."

"Maybe you should have asked?" the girl interjects timidly.

"Did you see their faces? Even now they don't seem to understand why they came," I resent and, after a few seconds of silence, I add, "You are my family even more than they are."

It's sad to admit, but there is not a shred of lies in these words.
My parents disowned me ten years ago, and now, when I am an independent grown ass man, they come back to take me with them, as if I have no life of my own, as if I was frozen in time and did nothing but wait for them?
Make it fucking make sense!

"The only excuse I can come up with for them is that they were too young and didn't plan a child at the age they got me..."

We both sigh deeply again, engrossed in our thoughts.

"Do you think if your parents had taken you with them, and we would have suddenly met on the other side, would we have liked each other?" Vivian brings up the subject.

Hmm, it is a good question.
It probably didn't even occur to them "What if instead of abandoning the boy, we take him with us?".
Now it's hard to imagine that today's fucked-up I could fit in that environment, but young Aiden would have succeeded quite well – he wouldn't even have to try hard, he was a perfect Martyr in behavior and mindset.

Would Vivian and I like each other?

"Why not? I think I would also find interest in history: the topic of Separation and stuff like that. We would have met at university, fallen in love, got married and had children by the due date, so that you would never have to suffer."