Life and Times of a Repressed and Melancholy Teen </3{a Cameron Nehemia novel}

the life and times of a repressed and melancholy teen </3

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.  ~e.e. cummings, 1955

my name is Carmen Nehemiah (ne-hee-mia)  i am a freshman now at RiverView Secondary School  , and for the longest time i have dreamt up what high school was going to be like for me. my life could be fantastic, flawless even.. just like in the movies, head cheerleader, stunning BF , all girls envy her , all boys want her, isnt a slut , has high GPA etc etc... if it werent for the billion obstacles in my life disrupting my would be happiness. let me give you a few examples:

all my elementry school life i had been bullied , which lead to me learning i have the binging disorder and emotional eating disorder.

then i was tested in the fifth grade to see why i wouldnt behave in class. turns out i was of dual excellence , which means i am gifted , but i have a learning disorder. yup , i know LD kids are thought out to be dumb fucks but no , some of the smartest people were mentally disabled. albert einstien, leonardo di vinci along with many others. whats my mental obstacle? Placing a stop sign at the road to my eternal happiness you may ask. i have a form of adhd, called executive funtioning which means: i cant organize time , i procrastinate and i cant focus without music (personally i think its cause im an artist , cause thats one thing most kids with executive dont have).it also screws with my behaviour , so i have bad impulses, i get really angry , bottle up all my feeling and then implode on others and something else i cant seem to remember at this point in time.

 the good news is i tested 80 percentile or higher in all my other testings , for this test in which they check your internal knowledge of all subjects. normal range is 25%-75% , i got 80% except for in math , i got a 35% in one of those , but that's still average.

 another peice of good news is , most kids with my challenges in life do drugs , drink incessively , cut themselves , binge etc ... anything to rid them of the pain , but i dont ... i do this , i write out everything on to a piece of paper. another way i have coped with it has been reading excessively , i have a gift where i can block out the whole world when i want to and just focus on one thing .... and other times, like when someone is teaching or speaking , i hear every word.

another way i deal and the last way i deal with my issues to be honest, is music.

im a singer , in every genre. i like everything from opera - to musicals - to rap - to rock. when it comes to me and my love of music , it isnt the genre of music that counts , its the song ... its the song , and the lyrics. its the beat of the drums and the rythim lining with the guitar. its the pain you hear in the artists voice as he/she bears there souls into there lifes work , and most of all , its me , feeling there pain and singing there words .... because i feel it ... because i am going through what there going through , and when that happens to you , the best way to survive heartbreak , or anger , or depression ... is to know that someone else feels your pain , and is empathising for you throughout your lifes journey , even if they have no idea of your existance.

and lastly , i have a somewhat idetic memory  , i remember everything i hear see or feel for the rest of my life , if it feels important ... i just havent learned to use it the right way yet. my memory is not photographic , its videographic , which means what i remember plays like a scene in my head. i remember every detail except what i looked like at that time , cause i didnt see myself or my facial expressions/body language at the moment. so i just imagine.

my life has always been tragic . i was sexually abused by another person of the same gender, my dad was abusive towards my mother physically and towards me and my brothers verbally , and when they divorced i lived my life in complete and utter poverty for 3 to 4 years , bullied everyday since i was in the first grade, having eating disorders and getting larger , unlike my petite design...

i was embarrased to be alive.. to be breathing. i wasnt content with myself . i am still unhappy with the person i have become . it dissapoints me to know what i ould have done all these years, how i could have been perfect if i had just tried a little harder... only promblem is , i didnt know how to try any harder than i already was.. 

you need to know something before i start , this is 100 % real , none of this is made up... and if you are a person who is content with that beautiful fairy tale ending where the gorgueous princess with the perfect figure and unrealisticly perfect face, is saved by the dashing and handsome prince with the "manly hose" you might as well read cinderella or snow white , because real life isnt some fucking fairytale , none of us end up perfectly happy. the sooner we learn that , the sooner reality starts to sink in. the more we love reality , even with its obstacles and its judgemental characters roaming on earth everyday... the more we are prepared for lifes dissapointments.

Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.  ~Harvey Fierstein