What If Instead Of...

8 Vivian

"Yes, indeed, I'm sorry for the interference," the woman carefully replies, "Come after 8 pm, I'll give you your salary."

"Okay, thanks," I mumble absently.

I'm lucky Lilia lives next door – it will be possible to just walk there.

There is quite a large amount of food in the fridge – stocks from our last outing with Grace to the superstore.

I scan the contents with my eyes, yet the desire to eat doesn't arise.

"How are you?" a voice suddenly rings out behind me and I flinch and gasp in surprise.

Leo is standing at the entrance to the kitchen with full bags in both hands.
He smiles at me, but there is sadness in his eyes anyway.

"It could've been better," I reply and smile weakly, wanting to defuse the situation a little.

"I brought takeaway food – enough for two days. This is if you really will eat it," the guy adds reproachfully, and I can't help but snort good-naturedly.

"Maybe I'll have an appetite when I see you eat," I make an attempt to trick Leo a little.

He looks at me suspiciously, squinting one eye.

"Deal. Pull out everything, we'll taste it."

We open all the boxes, inhaling the aromas, that, I must admit, make my mouth water. Whatever is going on in my mind, my body is asking for fuel to ensure vital activity.

I put the cutlery on the table, sit down and put my chin on my outstretched hands.

"Mmm, believe it or not, but these are the best sushi rolls I've ever had," the guy comments, smacking his lips.

I smile, shaking my head, because I understand that this whole advertising campaign is designed for me to follow his example.

"Seriously, Viv, so delicious. You'll miss all the yummy stuff like that," the guy jokingly threatens, winking.

As luck would have it, at this moment my stomach is treacherously rumbling as a reminder that it hasn't received food for more than a day.

I take the chopsticks in my hands and choose the smallest roll.

My eyes close with pleasure – it just melts on the tongue. I think I'm really hungry.

"What did I say! Good food is a good mood," my friend coos contentedly.

I reach out my hand to take another roll, but then I hesitate and take it away.

"Shouldn't it be a shame to enjoy something when there is grief around?" I ask guiltily, hiding my eyes.

Leo inhales heavily, putting his chopsticks aside.

"Ask your body if it agrees to hold on to vitality, vitamins and minerals while you starve yourself without supplying it with new ones?" the guy argues. "Give me a reason in favor of denying yourself at least food."

I'm silent, unable to find an answer.

"Stress can make your body unrecognizable. Hair will start to fall out, your skin will become flabby and unhealthily pale, nails will be brittle, and all that. The grief will subside (trust me, I know), and the consequences of inattention to yourself will have to be dealt with for a very long time."

Without meeting a reaction to his words, Leo gently asks, "Vivian, look at me."

I slowly shift my gaze to the guy sitting across.

"You deserve the best. You don't have to feel guilty, you don't have to drive yourself into depression. You cannot, like all of us, control everything in the world – nature, other people's decisions, laws issued, etc., but you are able to influence your life – selfishly choose yourself. Girl, you need to learn to love yourself! By taking small steps to build the world in front of your eyes, you will be able to build the world around you. Remember that when you are open to it, it opens up to you in response," Leo convincingly ends his speech.