Band One-shots (Per request)

Monologues of a Madman

My sad ass poetry at the height of a break up that was too poetic to keep to myself. Copy and pasted with some minor changes and Im feeling that 2doc is the perfect ship for my sad 3 am ramblings.

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~~I won't get a "Goodmorning beautiful, I love you," out of the blue. Because he isn't like that. I wouldn't take him any other way. He is stubborn, beautiful, and blunt and will hurt feelings quickly. But I'd pay money just to hear his voice on the other end of a phone line as he calls me a name....~~

2D had been trying all day to get an ounce of attention from the older bass player. The night before, they were in the throes of passion. Granted Murdoc was drunker than a sailor, he had showered the younger in affection. Hugs and kissing that sent 2D over the moon. 

They had the occasional romp around when they were sure the other two wouldn't intervene. It wasn't out of the blue for the drunk buzzard to seduce the bluenette to satisfy his nasty needs and it left the man wanting more, expecting more.

Every time Murdoc came back to him on those wondrous nights, in 2D's opinion, it warped what the man thought about the older. He saw them as if they were partners. 

Murdoc didn't share this sentiment. He would skulk around the townhouse trying his best to avoid the younger man with the almost fear that he would beg for affection.

He thought the coast was clear as he exited his radio room to escape to the kitchen but was stopped in his tracks.

"Evenin' Mudz, I made us  some coffee. Knew you been in there all day, thought you'd like some." he offered a soft smile and held out a cup that was actually meant for himself.

Murdoc grunted and took the cup without thanks. He sipped the cup slowly as to not burn himself. 

"I thought maybe we could...catch a movie on the tv? Noodz is sleeping and Russ is at the all night record shop. Prolly won't be home 'til mornin'" He scooted closer with his own coffee now and circled his finger around the rim. 

The question peaked his attention as he put his now stained cup down on the counter, "Why'd you think we'd do that?"

"I dunno...thought we could have some, alone time." he almost whispered.

"Why?" The satanist pushed, wanting to hear the man say it.

"Jus' like last night...You tol' me you loved me an' an' what we did last night-"

"What happened last night didn't mean anything to me." he chuckled off the admission.

~~He has troubles of his own that I don't know about. I can't help. I want to but it is futile. I feel loved and cared for, but in these moments it isnt always about me. He shuts himself off and those are the moments I desperately want to hold him tight and promise that everything will be okay in the end, despite the fact that I don't even know the answer. As long as we have each other, I'm sure it would be okay.  It's selfish and stupid of me. I wish I wasn't so stupid and lovesick then reality wouldn't hurt so bad.~~

"Jus' like the time before and the time before that didn't matter to ya?"

"Nothing we ever do in my room matters to me. We've decided by omission from you that its just sex. Remember the last time we promised to keep it separate? You tried to run away." The memory stinging the scars on 2D's body.

"Oh...okay," he nods as he grips his cup, "Yeah I get."

Without warning he tosses the cup into the counter causing it to shatter and coffee dirtying the counter and floor.

"Why me then? Why not just bring a random floozy home? Why not even sink as low as to go for our noodle. I know you're dirty enough!" 

"Enough!" Murdoc restrains the crying man to stop him from further hurting himself..or Murdoc himself.

"What will make you love me?" he cries, "What will prove to you after months and years that...that I love you so much."

 ~~I contemplated how far I might go to make the pain end. To make the stuck feeling go away and justify that I had no other way out. then I found you. You know this story because you wrote it. We grew close and you became my freedom. I no longer felt the trapped feeling because I had "casted my shackles." Disaster struck and you were my rock that got me through. My tears filled rivers but you were there to build the bridges for me to get over. Eventually, I decided, rain or shine I will be there the same way to give that same support that would make me cry from joy.  In the beginning it was good but I've realized I'm stupid and that I'm being over dramatic with my feelings.~~

Murdoc threw 2D's hands back down to his side and glared.

"We've had good nights yes, but I don't love you. You're my bandmate and if I come to you drunk  thats not what I want. You're taking advantage of me in my drunken state."

The gaslighting made 2D's heart tighten.

"I...I would never...hurt you intentionally. I have your best interests in my thoughts. You're one of my best friends. I want you happy-"

"I've never been happy...not a day in my miserable life. I'm going to bed, I can't stand your crying."

 ~~The feeling of tears rolling down your face is satisfying. It is a true grounding experience to understand that you are sad and this emotion is taking over. Feeling your eyes well up and watching the tear form and fall is almost therapeutic. The other day I sat in the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I'm crying now because I hate that I did this to myself, but I hated what I saw. I hated it. And I watched in my mirror as my eyes began to tear up and become glassy because of the pure hate and disgust I felt for myself in that moment. Is this normal? Is it okay to feel this way? I would never tell anyone this. No one needs to know except us. Me and me of course. ~~

Once the kitchen was empty 2D looked at the mess that he had made and guilt overtook his senses. He had put his feelings out there to stop the vicious cycle of the love and then hate hurting his feelings. If Murdoc ever came back to him for another one of those nights he would let him have him, just like he  did every other time before. Because he was weak to the man's advances.

 ~~Sometimes I wish I hadn't come off that island. Not because of people in my life, but because the idea of living my sad and confusing existence was too much. If anyone ever read this I know for sure everyone would leave me. They'd tell me they can't handle me right now and I wouldn't blame them. I can't even handle me and all I have to worry about it me. I'm so afraid of being left alone. I've finally become happy after years and I'm going to ruin it all with my dumbass feelings and overwhelming emotions. ~~

Now, here he was furiously scribbling in a notebook that he kept hidden in his sock drawer, not the best place. Tears were falling continuously and wetting the paper as he wrote. It smeared the pen that he was writing with and ruined some of the words. he signed the end of his paper with the date and angrily shut the book before rolling it back up and slipping it into his sock drawer.

~~ I just want to disintegrate and be forgotten about. The person who matters the most probably doesn't care or will get annoyed so I won't tell them about this ever. I wish I could be normal and balanced. But we all can't have it all can we?~~

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Murdoc shut the crumpled and rolled notebook before replacing it in the drawer. Could he make it up to the man?