My Neighbor I Know So Well (AmeCan)

Keeping a "Cool Head" (Canada)

30 October, 1929

Well, I was right. My economy has gone haywire and from the looks of it, if there's anything to look of it, I don't think we'll be getting any better sooner or later. What are we to do? I've been asking around the house ideas on how to deal with this national crisis, to which I was only met with "I don't know." I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW! No one in this house has one single clue on how to get this country back up and running!

I haven't been myself lately too. I never really had the time to focus on me because I busied myself with caring for the unemployed in the streets. Yes, our streets have become a home to thousands now. It's scary to walk the boulevard now since you are risking the chance of being robbed or pick-pocketed by children or adults. I noticed my change in behavior and the forming bags under my eyes from reading books overnight. None of this is good, and I'm starting to become absentminded. Absentminded in a way that I don't think before I act.

Not thinking before acting is pretty dangerous if you ask me, whatever the setting may be. The setting, oh it haunts me very frequently. I've gotten myself into quite a frightful twist right now between me and the last person you'd imagine I'd end up with.

You guessed it, yes, it's Al. He flew to my house in May in an attempt to solve what my problem was. I didn't want him here because he wasn't the one in economic turmoil. However through all of the wall building and denies, I eventually told him what was wrong. His answer I knew was exactly like the others, "I don't know". All he suggested was that I play the scenario under a cool head and find ways to end it. A 'cool head' and no cake would've saved me from what I did that same night.

If you're asking what I did, don't be surprised to have an unclear answer because this is highly uncomfortable for me.

I did...things...things you wouldn't expect a boy like me would do. Some are unexplainable, while others were out of absentmindedness. I curse this blasted curl on my head for being the one key in weakening my senses. Once that curl comes into physical contact, my body suddenly jitters and I'm sent into a complete state of vulnerability. Anyone could do anything to me when I'm like that, and it's fearful to think of all the possibilities with all the different kinds of people.

I was lucky that anyone was Alfred, but remembering all of the things I did to him still bothers me now. Like before, some unexplainable things. I can't understand why I didn't try to refrain myself or why I found myself thinking of him like that. He's my friend. Surely he doesn't find me any more but a friend...right? Well, if he did, he would've stopped me there. The problem is he didn't. He went along with it all and this makes me question several things:

-Why did he not stop me?

-Why did he go along with it?

-Why am I thinking about him this way?

-He is thinking me more than a friend?

-What do I do?

You know me, I've never thought I'd be in the same situation as those in the books I read; a one-sided relationship. This is all foreign and it's unsettling, especially considering we're both males. The only person who knows exactly what to do is Papa, but I'm not sure if his advice will be best. Then again, he IS an expert on love (although as far as I know I'm not anywhere near IN love), and he's been with a variety of both men and women (he's single but has his eyes set on a specific man at the moment).

I'm laying in Alfred's bed as I write. It's 1:20a.m. and he's already asleep. I'm not sure how to carry on about this, but I do know that I cannot allow any distraction from what's important right now. I'll have to send him home because him staying here would only make matters worse.

He's going to New York and that's final. I'll allow myself to see him when this economic disaster is taken care of.

Your friend, Matthew