Me, You, Us

Chapter 43

TW: Suicide.

It's been two days since the hospital discharged me.

Everything up until now has been a blur, nothing really makes sense.

The last time I saw sunlight or in fact any human being was two days ago.

I've been in my dark room just staring at the ceilings the whole day, thinking about where I went wrong.

Two days ago was the last time I went on my phone. The whole world probably knows that I lost my baby.

My baby, would've been the most precious things this world would've seen.

A tear slipped from my eye and I quickly wiped it off, sitting up to drink water.

I look at my nightstand, seeing all the food I barely touched.

I put the bottle water down and layed down again.

Suddenly there was a knock on my door.

"Ellen, may I come on?" my mother asked softly. After a few moments of me not answering, she came in.

It was a routine at this point, she came in put the food down and took the other food that's just standing there away.

Then she walked out of my room.

I wanted no one to pity me, hold me.

I would break down if someone were to do that.

I turned my around and stared at the floor.

Then all the scenarios popped up in my head about what I was going to do when I eventually had my baby.

I was going to love my baby to my full potential and be always be there.

I was going to play dress up of it had been a girl, dress her up in pink little clothes and tiaras.

If it was a boy I would play cars with him, dress him up in his shorts and Mercedes cap.

I smile at the thought and then my smile faded as tears ran down my face.

I covered my mouth and started sobbing. It hurts so much.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I think about Lewis, crying harder.

I feel like a failure, I've failed Lewis.

I know how much he wanted to be dad and that day in the cafe came flooding back to me, making me cry harder.

Lewis left right after he dropped me at home, both of us are equally hurt and drifting apart from each other, I haven't seen him since two days ago.

And to be quite honest, I don't want to see him, if I do eventually see him, it's gonna break my heart all over again.

The feeling of knowing I've failed him and couldn't give him what he wanted most and was so excited for.

I should've never went out and ran.

Maybe now I'd still be pregnant, happy and excited for what's to come.

Lewis currently is in France, preparing for the race weekend.

Today is Thursday.

I stood up and went into the bathroom, wanting to wash my face and feel alive a little bit.

Then I went straight to bed, falling in a deep sleep.

***

I woke up tired, looking around my dark room.

Today I was gonna watch practice one.

I quickly look over at my nightstand and saw that practice is in an hour.

Standing up I felt dizzy and had to sat down quickly.

I struggled all the way to my bathroom, feeling lightheaded.

After I used the toilet I looked in the mirror and it was as if a ghost was staring right back at me, black under eye bags.

I was up at three am, crying my eyes out.

Brushing my teeth, I thought of Lewis and how he was feeling or rather coping.

Putting the tv on, I sat down on my bed the pre practice show.

Then the commentators said, "We offer our condolences to Lewis Hamilton and his partner Ellen Hayes, after losing their baby."

A tear slipped my eye as they showed Lewis.

It's as if the was no spark, no life and no motivation in his eyes, I could see he was very tired.

I curled up in a ball, resting my chin on my knee, closing my eyes, feeling terrible.

I turned the tv off and I made my way to the bathroom.

I failed Lewis, his parents, my parents because they were so excited to meet their grandchild.

I had no purpose here anymore, I lost my baby, I was the one who lost my baby and I can't live with that guilt.

As I sat on the toilet seat I thought about all the good times me and Lewis had, the love I have for him.

But I broke him.

I sat down in the bath and just layed there in the water staring at the ceiling.

I close my eyes and I felt my head going under water and my lungs having the need to get oxygen.

Everything felt easier.

After a few moments my breathing started slowing down, this was it.

I'd finally be free of all this pain.

"Ellen!" my mother yelled as she kneeled down to get me out of the water and breathing again.

"Mom," I say softly, "It's okay, just let me go, I'll be fine" my voice breaks.

"How can you expect me to just let you go, Ellen?" my mother say caressing my head as I shiver.

"You're my only baby and it breaks my heart to see you like this" my mother cry.

"Ellen," my mother kiss my forehead.

"It'll all be okay one day, maybe not now...but someday everything will feel okay" my mother say.

I nod crying, "It's so hard Mom."

"How am I gonna face Lewis? Knowing that it's my fault?" I ask looking up at her with red eyes.

"Ellen, he doesn't blame you for anything, and he still loves you, that much I know" she say staring in my eyes.

I nod, closing my eyes, "I miss the feeling of being pregnant."

"And you'll feel it again someday, my baby" my mother reply.

"Thank you mom, for saving me" I say opening my eyes and staring up into her ones.

"I love you, Ellen."

***

Thank you so much for 10k, everyone. 💜
It means so much to me. Enjoy your week and sending you all the positivity, luv ya.