The wedding was beautiful and haleema finally became mrs Ahmed. I was certain she would be happy her eyes were so bright and big.she was always beautiful but when you are happy you seem more beautiful than ever .she cried when she was leaving home ,all that bragging about her not shedding a single tear was a lie I knew she couldn't do it. I love you halima I had said a thousand times that night because I knew she was leaving me also and I didn't want her to event forget that no matter where life takes her.
Her husband surprised her with a ticket to Morocco; it seemed Haleema had what she always wanted . Some dreams become reality after all.
The next day mum and I left for kano. I got home and I didn't know how to give the news. Was it good news was it ad news? I could never tell when sadeeq would snap. I eventually told I told and the reaction on his face was that of finally! She is pregnant and nothing else ,at least he seemed pleased. He told his mother and she was happy. I don't know how in God's name they thought we could train a child . His family believed he was perfect ,my family believed he was perfect too and money shouldn't be a problem right? After all Hayaat is working. I was pretty sure that was what was going on in their minds. Poor me!
I knew I couldn't rely on him for anything so I started buying baby clothes. I didn't know the gender so I bought multisex colors, bath tubs,towels, baby carriers and all.
I would be craving things I would tell sadeeq and he would say things like" if you don't eat it you won't die right?I was happy on my own. "happy" a word I thought had deserted me. But this baby had changed everything. It made my life worth living. I would wake up everyday yearning for the day he would come to this world. How can you love someone with all your mind, soul and body when you have never laid eyes on them? This feeling is surreal but everyday it becomes more clear that life is compensating me for my loss by giving me this child.
I thought i knew what what dying was but Alas I was wrong. I laid there still. I couldn't cry. This must surely be how the world will end for me. The catastrophic blow that will finally leave me breathless. It had to. So this is what they meant when that say you die a thousand times before your soul finally leaves your body? I was bleeding ,I was 3 months pregnant but I was bleeding, at first it was water,then blood, then my baby, lifeless! the size of a plum, I lost my baby. I opened my mouth to cry but I couldn't. I was in so much pain and yet I could not express it . The tears wouldn't flow and my hands kept trembling,my knees were to weak . It took me some minutes before I began to scream so loud the neighbors came out. They rushed me to the hospital,after the cleansing and everything I was discharged the following day.
I came home as broken as any woman could ever be. I knew they wouldn't understand how I loved my child when it had not even been born but I did and it hurt, I saw a glimpse of happiness in my life when I found out I was pregnant and now more sadness had clouded my already bitter life . Mum and dad did everything they could to take care of me, but I was gone, nothing could save me. Ishaq would come with all the latest gossip in the house and on the streets . He upgraded from not just local news to national news. I found it cute but I didn't have the strength to laugh.
Muhammad would come to my room and tell me that if he had the power I would never have to go back to my house ever again. He knew what was going on and he believed me, that is more than enough for me.
Three weeks after my miscarriage ,I packed my stuff and was ready to go home to nothing , dad told me he had a surprised for me. we went downstairs and I saw a beautiful black car he told me he would take me home but I declined, thanked him for the gift and told him I wasn't going home directly because i had to pick up some grocerys on the way. of course I lied ,I just wanted to be alone. He was trying to make up for everything that had happened but there was no going back. I drove my brand new car and parked by the side of the road went to the back seat and clutched my bag ,folded like a worn out clothe. I cried like a baby .I didn't cry when I lost the baby ,I didn't cry when the doctors came ,I didn't cry when I got home but now with this new car ,I realized that I had nothing, no amount of material thing would heal me. I only wanted a garden where I sipped tea and watered my flowers every morning, a cat and a house filled with love. Did I ask for too much?.I cried for hours before finally going to that building .I didn't call it home anymore because home is where you find peace but I didn't have any here. When I got there everything was perfectly arranged. The irony of it all was that here I was, a perfect mess in a perfect building. I went to my room, pulled everything I bought for my baby and threw them in the storage. I was a living proof of the pain. I didn't need anything to remind me of this pain. The way my body had stretched to accommodate that child, the way I had to go through morning sickness, body aches and different mood swings. I didn't even know the babies gender.
I guess this is the life.
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