The night before my wedding ,it felt as though a dark cloud had filled my world. I was already numb to the pain and I just couldn't couldn't bring myself to cry anymore. The world was too loud for me, I was lonely in a crowd filled with my family.
I received a long essay from kabir and it read ;hey Hayaat I never really got to tell you this but your name is the most beautiful name I have ever heard .you taught me how to live fully, you loved me wholeheartedly, no you loved me with your broken heart and yet made me feel whole that is to show how much love you carry within you. The way you laugh and how you kick the stones on your way ,how you stammer when you are shy,how you look at me when I am not looking and how you look away when I turn .how you laugh at my not so funny jokes and how you told me you hated fantasy but woke up some mornings to tell me you dreamt of our lives together ,the way you bite your nails when you are nervous but most importantly the way you glare at me when I say something inappropriate.
I love you so much Hayaat,so much it hurts to think this is the last time I will ever say this to you. Goodbyes are always hard and never in my life did I think I would lose you so I never prepared myself for this day.
You quench my thirst, you bring peace to my chaos, you shield me from the harsh rays of life,you are my beginning and it's so painful that you are my end too.
I wish i could walk through the journey of life with you and now we are not just bonded by love but by grief and immense ache.
I miss you now and I always will there is alot I do not know but this I know, I will always love you. I tried ,I really did Hayaat. I hope you always remember that. Allah does not make you cry unless it is good for you and when he takes something from you he gives you something better. Be happy my sweet beautiful Hayat. Thank you for loving me for everything I was and for everything that I was not. I dropped the phone I tried to type but tears filled my eyes and everything was blur so I placed my phone on my chest and closed my eyes,as I let myself dream ,just this once.
My wedding day finally arrived, here I was in my beautiful emerald green laffaya, adorned with golden jewelries. I didn't have any make up on just my pink lips and my emotionless eyes. I stood tall with my teeth shining ,when you have been pretending for too long ,you tend to forget what is fake and what is real. They came to pick me up ,the convoy was just white and black .I cried like a child not just because I was going to miss everyone,!I lived nearby so I would come visit but because I knew what was waiting for me in my matrimonial home and that anxiety was killing me . Muhammad and ishaq hugged me and Muhammed whispered, if you ever find yourself unhappy come back home with the speed of light. He was my hero with no Cape.
Khadijah was headed for Abuja ,I would always remember her this way ,her hair tied in a ponytail with her red laffaya as she sat in front of the mirror and said" Hayaat help me wear my jewelry",she would make an obedient wife for sure.such perfection as I looked at her. I never really got to spend a lot of time with her. Growing up I have always been isolated and enjoyed my company rather than be with her. Going to the university didn't help matters and now she will be going far away from me. I will never really get to know her. Perhaps I would do better in the next life.
The night they took me everyone left , I felt so cold and scared . It felt as though I had been kidnapped . It was just sadeeq and I and he told me to try and give us a second chance we were married now and would be stuck for the rest of our life together ." Stuck" he said wow what a romantic way of telling me we would live the rest of our lives together. He gave his speech about how He had always known we would end up together and how I was resisting for no valid reason. I just kept Staring at him , he was a stranger to me and I tried revisiting the moments we were best friends and in a relationship to feel just a glimpse of happiness but there was nothing . People always said first love never dies but my feelings for sadeeq had been buried in a shroud Six feet underneath . Nothing was there not even friendship.I told him I was sick and had to go to bed early.
Yeah sad😣😣I know . What awaits Hayaat in her new home? Will sadeeq change and be a better husband than we all imagined? Or will his demons follow him all the days of their lives?
