dead wrong (l.h)

"lonely"

chapter nine
luke

10:46 AM
Sunday, September 18

As I crossed in front of my couch and started to take a seat, my phone began to ring. I let out a small sigh at the disruption of my peace and quite before setting my coffee mug down on the table in front of me and switching it out for my phone. I looked to see who was calling and my stomach did a small flip as I read the name on my screen. Knowing I had been putting off this phone call for as long as I could, I brought the phone up to my ear and took a deep breath in.

"Hey, Mike," I answered coolly before grabbing for my coffee and taking a sip.

"You have lots to tell me, I presume?"

It had been at least a week since I had called Michael, so it went without saying that I had done a poor job at keeping him updated on the situation with Evelyn, and now with Calum. My delay in calling had been on purpose; I was dreading the inevitable conversation regarding how Michael's feelings about them—especially Evelyn—were skewed because I had failed to be completely honest with him in the past.

"I suppose," I responded quietly before sinking into the couch cushions. "Dinner with Evelyn went really well," I started off simple. "I was scared shitless at the very beginning of the night because I showed up late and thought she might just walk out on me, but... I think we had a really good conversation. It was way past due. I was able to explain a whole plethora of things to her, and it just felt so nice to be honest with her... for once."

"That sounds... great," Michael responded without much enthusiasm. I could tell he wanted to be supportive but that something was causing him to hesitate.

"What is it?" I urged him to be honest with me, but he was not budging. "Seriously, Mike... it's your time to be judgy—you know I'll listen. I might not agree, but I'll listen."

"I just can't believe you've seen her, Luke... it really seems like a step in the wrong direction, in my opinion," Michael confessed his take on the situation and I shut my eyes in slight disappointment. He had never been the type to worry about being too honest so I was sure it had been tough for him to not say that as soon as I answered the call. "I get you wanting to talk things through to get closure... but I know you too well to know that's not all that you want from this reunion of yours."

"Of course I want more than just closure..." I let out a sigh of frustration before running a hand through my hair. "I miss her, Mike. And I miss Calum, too. Neither of them attempted to murder me when they saw me, so I feel good about at least seeing where things might go," I told him, yet felt a pit of guilt building in my stomach due to the sigh that I heard Michael let out. I had nothing to feel guilty for in the present moment, but talking to Michael about Evelyn and Calum always made me feel a little slimy—mostly because it reminded me of how awful I had been to both of them by the end of it. Both to their faces and behind their backs.

"It's not that I don't want to support you, Luke... I just worry about this blowing up in your face," Michael said, once again mastering the art of delicate communication. "I'm glad you've put yourself out there thus far... but I just don't want you getting hurt. I mean, what if they decide they don't want you back? Even after all the trouble you've gone to by now?"

"Then I'll deal with it," I told him bluntly. "I'll deal with it and I'll move on. But that possibility alone is not going to stop me from taking this chance to start over, or at least prove to them that the guy they knew and loved is still around." I bit my lip gently and contemplated admitting my next thought; once I had decided to, I let out a sigh before speaking: "I am lonely, Michael. Despite having you, and having Ash, and going out to meet new people, I am lonely. I do not have my people. And I certainly don't have my person. You don't know what that's like, no matter what you say, because you do have your person. But you have to at least try to understand where I'm coming from—now that two of the people who were most important to me are offering me another chance, it's a big deal. So why would I do anything but take the chance?" My words finally seemed to cause Michael to hesitate to give his opinion. "Look, what I said about them in the past was not fair... I was a shit person by the end of everything, and deep down you know that. If they decide not to waste their time with me, then it's what I deserve. They have no obligation to treat me with any sort of remorse or offer me total forgiveness, okay? But I have to try knowing that things might work."

"I know that I can get protective when it comes to everything that happened between you and Evelyn, and I know I took your side... but it's not like I'm unaware of the fact that you weren't at your best by the end, okay? I know you didn't necessarily treat them well. And it pains me to admit that, mostly because I wasn't there to witness it first-hand or to help you in ways other than being the person you talked to, but knowing all that still doesn't change how I feel. They both knew you long enough before everything went down to know that who you became wasn't you... they should have known the kind of person you really were—"

"But that person stopped existing for a while, Mikey. I don't like thinking about it, but they were valid for keeping me away...because I was not the same person anymore." The line fell silent again. "If you're mainly scared about me getting rejected—"

"I'm scared they'll bring the worst in you back out," Michael admitted, cutting me off from making a different point. "If they were able to do it the first time... who's to say it won't happen again? I am not saying either of them are bad people, Luke, but if it didn't work out the first time... who's to say it's going to work out this time? Why torture yourself? They're just going to remind you of all the things you did—"

"And if I'm reminded of how I hurt them, I'm not going to let myself do it again," I argued. The last thing I wanted to consider was that mending my relationships with Evelyn and Calum could be a bad thing. They had never been the issue; the presence of my unacknowledged insecurities and anxieties had been the issue. I was my issue. "You know I love you Michael, and you know I appreciate you looking after me... but just trust me on this one, alright? Even if this somehow blows up in my face, I'm going to make it out alive. I'm going to be able to handle it. But I am not going to give up my chance just because there's risk involved. That's no way to live."

"Okay, okay," Michael finally conceded. "I just want what's best for you. And if this is what you want, and what you think is best... then I'm rooting for you. I am always rooting for you, Luke."

"Thanks, Mike," I told him as I dawned a sad smile. "You know... you being the person I could talk to helped me exponentially, so please don't think you haven't been helpful. Or that you haven't been incredibly important throughout everything. I don't know what I would do without you, Michael."

"Well, it's a good thing you'll never have to find out... because I'm not going anywhere."

a/n:

hi !!! this chapter was short !!! oop!!!

BUT much needed introduction to luke's slight enabler (with a big heart), michael clifford <3 everyone give him a round of applause !!!

i have missed this story hehe it's always fun to come back to a story that's been left on the back burner, bc usually there's a lot of new ideas to explore !! it's always a lil refreshing

again, i know this one was short but i hope you enjoyed!! hopefully i'll get another chapter up soon :-))

thanks so much for reading !!!! i love you guys !!!!

<3333

j

ever since the school semester ended i cannot stop using a billion !!!!! after every sentence ... ok bye !!!!!!