dead wrong (l.h)

"another chance"

chapter five
luke

3:37 PM
Thursday, September 9

Despite knowing it wasn't possible, the last several hours had taken approximately three years to pass by. It was safe to say that I was a nervous wreck and the universe was punishing me for it; I was having to slug my way through the day as every possible anxious thought swirled around my head. I felt as though all I had was time to worry and time to regret past choices.

I would be seeing Evelyn in three hours; or should I say, I would be shitting myself in three hours. I was not prepared. But it was also the only thing I wanted in the world right in that moment.

Again, I was a nervous wreck.

I couldn't remember the last time I felt this anxious about meeting up with someone. I wanted to brush this off and tell myself I had done this a million times; this being meeting Evelyn for dinner. But, in reality, I hadn't come close to doing what I would be doing just hours later. It's something I had thought about at least once a week for the last four months but never had I reached out to her to beg her to let me explain. Not until now. This wouldn't be like old times; I was having to remind myself of that over and over.

I think that's what was making me particularly anxious. Although I hadn't seen Evelyn in so long, I had a feeling that the second I saw her, I'd want things to be back to normal. I'd want us to share our usual greeting; I'd go in for a hug and she wouldn't let me break away without stealing a kiss. The second I saw her, I'd want nothing but the comfort of what we used to be—but not for a second would that sense of comfort present itself.

I couldn't even be confident that I'd be receiving maintained eye contact, so my desire for much more was something I was desperately trying to keep at bay.

Not surprisingly, considering it had been happening regularly for the last six hours, the reality of everything suddenly hit me square in the chest and my heart began to race. Taking that as my cue to attempt to regain my composure, I pushed myself off my couch and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water.

My eyes closed as I swallowed the cool liquid, focusing on my breathing as I fought off an anxiety attack. I placed the glass down on the counter before grasping onto the edge of the sink; just to temporarily ground myself.

It was a funny thing—dealing with these mild panic attacks. They were caused by a plethora of things, but it wasn't until I had let things deteriorate between Evelyn and myself that I realized she had been the reason that I was so capable of keeping them at bay for so long. Even now, when I knew that there was nothing left with Evelyn—at least, not in the same way—my mind often drifted to her as I tried to think of the things that grounded me. And even despite her being the exact reason for my spiraling, my thoughts couldn't help but drift to her and the certain feelings she used to bring me.

I hadn't realized her importance more than a handful of times when we were together; my mind had been too transfixed on everything else I perceived to be wrong to realize that she had always been there for me.

Thinking about my lack of recognition of her unwavering support always caused my heart to break, but thinking back to specific instances of her showing me nothing but love and compassion in my darkest hours brought some sense of happiness back to me.

Suddenly realizing that my heart had calmed down and my breathing was steady, my eyes opened.

Thinking about Evelyn was a funny thing.