The Cult [h.s]

~twenty eight~

I get up from my seat and throw the chips packet in the trash and continue doing what I came to do in the kitchen in the first place, to vacuum it. I start cleaning again while Angana collects her laptop from the table and starts walking away.

"Oh and I was thinking we could go for our Saturday spree today." She turns around from being under the stairs and says.

I look up at her from vacuuming a spot and just stare at her.

Is she suggesting me to get out of the house?

I mean I am good now, my normal self is again awakening but am I ready to go out and get surrounded by many people?

Of course after the assault I am now more anxious to be around a lot of people. I am going to be more cautious of people around me.

I am also gonna make sure that I don't get too drunk like last time and lose my sanity. I better be aware of what I am doing and who I am surrounded with. I don't want to get trapped in situations like those ever again in my life. It's life threatening and I can't cry anymore.

I have been wondering that if I wasn't so drunk out of my mind would I have been able to save myself or at least defend myself? I guess I could've if I was a little less tipsy or sober. My combat abilities isn't that swift but at least I would have done something to free myself from the hold.

I could have surely had a good grip on the taser and could have used it. But sadly I couldn't and things got scarier after that.

I have read that this anxiety only gets worse. But I have also read in articles that if I put myself out there more then I might not get more anxious anymore. I need to get out of this fear of mine.

In these past few days I have been doing research on anxiety and assault recovery stuff and got quite a few things but of course the articles can be a piece of bullshit but if we see it practically, it can actually work. To get over my fear I should get out more and live in the midst of my fear so that I don't fear it anymore. 

Surrounded by your fear makes you immune to it.

And well it's been what? A week of me inside this house. I need to get out of this house one day and maybe that day can be today.

It's just the mall anyway, it's not like I am going for work.

"Okay," I say somewhat enthusiastically as she waits for me to answer.

She grins at me and says, "Okay then at 6. I am going to headquarters now."

I nod and say, "that sounds good. Have a good day." I smile.

"That I will," she replies and I roll my eyes. She climbs up the stairs and I return back to my work as I clean the kitchen further. After vacuuming, I clean the countertops even though they are already clean.

I think I just like cleaning a lot when I am stressed, call it a nervousness trait.

I don't know, call it philosophical or something like that. This is gonna sound crazy but when our mind is full of stress or when we are overthinking and there's a lot of clutter in our minds from work or in general from life which are unorganised, which we are trying to get rid off. No matter how much we try to relax, it always circles in our minds and we can't get rid of them. Then at that time we try to keep our surroundings clean or tidy. It's like our body and mind work that way.

It's sort of metaphorical, like if we clean the outer then maybe our inner selves also get cleaned with it.

This whole thing reminds me that my mom always used to make me clean the dishes. She used to say that if we clean the dishes ourself, our mind also gets cleaned with it. I used to find that explanation useless and thought back then that she used to say that so that I do some work but when I grew older I found out that it's true, it's like cleansing your inner self. It's like getting rid of the dirt in our mind. After that I took upon a liking on cleaning everything around me.