Cuddle Buddies - Niko Vilhelm Moilanen | Blind Channel

Hurt

I didn't know Niko's exact intention but I wasn't stupid, I could sense that he had been jealous before and I could sense that my words made him feel worse. I hurt him although I didn't want to but I had no other option left. Now there's something to fix, I thought. I couldn't judge what exactly he felt but by now I was pretty sure that I was more to him than just a friend. But what was I? We definitely have to talk, not only about what he wanted to tell me but also about our feelings. We always promised each other to talk about everything but we haven't talked about this for too long, I thought and in this moment my decision was made: I'd talk with Niko, if possible before we go to bed and if that wasn't impossible, I'd talk to him after his sister's birthday party.

„So we'll never be more than friends?" Joe looked at me for a second before his gaze wandered back to his feet. „Yeah, I don't think we will... Sorry, I didn't want to give you hope, that weren't my intentions. I noticed that you talked to me in a rather flirty way but since you had a girlfriend I thought that was simply your usual behavior and not somehow special, I probably misunderstood your behavior. I'm sorry", I looked at him apologizing. „No, I'm sorry", Joe responded and quietly got up. „I'm sorry that I caused this awkward situation... I guess I should go home and you guys enjoy the evening. But at least I could congratulate and I talked about my feelings, maybe it's now easier to get over it." He tried to smile but one could see how hard it was for him.

Although I didn't like him the way he apparently liked me, it still hurt me to see him like this. „I hope so", I mumbled before Niko and I followed him to my apartment door. „Have a nice evening!", Joe wished before he added a bit more quietly „And Sofia, promise me that the two of you will talk about your feelings, okay? I'm not stupid, you both were hurt by your words. You were hurt as much as Niko was, right?" I slightly nodded, hoping that Niko, who stood around a meter behind me, hadn't heard Joe's words. „Good." Joe already wanted to leave my apartment but before he could do so, I hugged him goodbye. „Although we won't be more than friends, we can still be friends. At least if it doesn't hurt you", I explained my action to Joe who seemed a bit confused. „Thank you, Sofia" And with these words, he turned around and left my apartment.

With a sigh, I closed the door behind him. „That's not how I expected this evening to be", I mumbled. „Me neither...", Niko answered and turned around to go back to the living room. As we sat down on the sofa, I suddenly remembered Niko's words he had said before the door bell had rung. „You wanted to tell me something", I started but was interrupted by Niko. „Not now. Maybe later. I'm tired, I'll go to bed. I don't want to sleep during the train ride to Helsinki tomorrow morning." „Okay...", I answered and looked at him confused.

Usually, Niko didn't go to bed this early but well, maybe he wanted to escape the situation. And I couldn't be mad at him because it was quite obvious that my words had hurt him. And I knew I had to somehow fix it, but how? On the one hand, he was definitely hurt by my words about not wanting a relationship with anyone but on the other hand, he had often told me about being afraid of falling in love and starting a new relationship. So what did this guy want?!

„I won't go to bed yet, I need to spend some more time studying but I'll join you in around an hour", I told him bevor I hugged him good night and stood on my tiptoes to place a kiss on his forehead. „Sleep well", I whispered and gave him another tight hug before I watched him going to the bathroom. With a sigh leaving my mouth, I sat down on the sofa again to concentrate on my notes.

Although I tried so hard to concentrate on studying, I couldn't. In my head, I always saw the pictures of this evening, the sad looking Joe but especially the look in Niko's eyes and the way he reacted when Joe and I hugged and when I said that I didn't want to have a boyfriend at the moment. By now, I was quite sure that what I saw was jealousy and especially after he looked so hurt when I said I wasn't interested in anyone I was convinced that he didn't want me to only be a good friend or cuddle buddy of his but more than he wanted to admit. If only we could now talk about it, I thought as I put the sheet on my desk again. I wouldn't be able to study now anyway... Thus, I decided to give up after around an hour of failing to concentrate and keeping to think of that man that was laying in my bed and probably sleeping by now.

I quietly made my way to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth, went to the toilet and after quickly washing myself, I went into my bedroom where Niko had snuggled up to my blanket and seemed to sleep peacefully. His eyes were closed and all I could hear was his calm breath. Although he looked so peaceful, he didn't look as happy. Usually he had a smile on his face when we was sleeping which made him look incredibly cute but today, there was no smile.

„I'm so sorry for my words", I whispered although I knew he most likely wouldn't hear me because he was sleeping. As he didn't react to me crawling next to him under the blanket, I was pretty sure he was truly sleeping and couldn't hear me so I continued whispering. „I wish I could tell you about my real feelings for you and how deep they are but I'm afraid to trigger your anxiety, that's why I have kept them to myself. I can't take the first step, I'm too afraid you don't feel the same and feel pushed into a certain direction because of my words, even though I kinda have the feeling that I'm not only a friend to you either. But sooner or later, we have to talk. I don't want to see you this hurt. You mean too much to me..."

I placed a soft kiss on his forehead before I closed my eyes, too. But suddenly I could feel Niko moving, he wrapped his arms around me, pulled me even closer and nestled his head against my chest while mumbling something that I unfortunately couldn't understand. Shit, I woke him up, he heard my words!, I cursed inwardly but as Niko didn't move anymore and his breath stayed this calm, I assumed that he was still sleeping and that this was not a movement he had intended to do.

The last nights, I had fallen asleep very quickly in Niko's arms but this night, my thoughts were keeping me awake. I kept thinking about Niko's reaction on my actions and words, he seemed to be so jealous and in the end there was pain in his eyes, emotional pain. But why? I tried so hard to understand his intentions, his feelings but I couldn't. If he had caught feelings for me, why didn't he tell me about them? Was it because of his fears? Did he feel better when he kept his feelings for himself, didn't that trigger his anxiety?

Or did I completely misunderstand him and I was just a close friend to him? We had to talk but I had no idea, how. How should I start the conversation without triggering his fear? After Joe had left, I had felt the courage to talk but now, I was too afraid, it would make Niko feel worse. If only I could know about his feelings and what he wants... I couldn't concentrate on studying an hour ago, now I was laying here on my bed and failing at falling asleep. Oh Niko, what did you do to me?

First of all, thank you guys so so much for 10k reads! I truly have never expected so many people to read this story! And now that I have reached this incredible milestone, I am writing the last chapter of this story... I don't think I'm ready to let it go yet, but for you, it'll end in a few weeks. And maybe, there will be some extra chapters and a story after this one ;)

But now, tell me: What do you guys think about this chapter? There are so many different emotions, Sofia has no idea what to think or do anymore. It's so complicated, I'm lucky I'm not her right now. What would you do if you were her? Would you try to talk to Niko? Or would you wait for him to start talking about this? Do you even think he'd do that at all?

IamLizziet Now you could read the chapter of which you could read sentence a few weeks ago, so finally the puzzle in your head is solved :D