Grief

Distracted

Sure, our argument hadn't lasted long but it was relieving to see him express himself like that...Thinking back to that moment, I felt the need to fight back and argue my point across- but when I managed to calm down afterward, it left me alone and unable to sleep as I thought back to what he had said.

What Izaya had expected from me...

Saying that I should just be laughing off his death, it didn't sit right with me. I knew I should be agreeing with him. After all, we actively attacked each other, and it wasn't some harmless game between rivals.

No.

Izaya and I were enemies, I despised him and he despised me. We tried to destroy each other daily...

But when I'd killed him- and was swallowed up with the idea of what I did. It wasn't just the idea that I had taken a life that haunted me, it was that I took Izaya's life of all people.

It felt strange, foreign, and so wrong to think that I had won- what I always figured would be a never-ending battle between us. So when I came out victorious-

I hated it.

Like hell could I just laugh off everything that happened! Throw a party and celebrate with friends over ending a life that could've been saved if I had just acted with a little more control?!

Izaya was a villain, a demon, and a snake. That's how I had always viewed him from the first moment I saw him in high school.

But seeing the fabled devil bleed red, shattered under stone with lifeless eyes... I knew it was too late to take back everything I'd done. I know I wasn't to blame for everything that happened between us, far from it really. But I still could've tried, tried learning what lay past that sickly smirk and condescending gaze.

Those were the thoughts that kept me up every night- thinking back to every regret and possibility that could've come out of just a little more effort.

But it was too late, and those restless nights of wondering were proven true as soon as I put the slightest glance past Izaya's masks. It hurt knowing that things could have been different, maybe friendship was a stretch- but perhaps tolerance.

Just coexisting. Peaceful even.

Our new situation was proof that maybe, just maybe, things could have been better between us. Especially last night, when I was able to see a new emotion from Izaya...

I slumped against the counter, raking my hand through my knotted hair, fingers detangling the locks as I felt a stubborn heat blush across my face.

It was hard not to think about my admission, of missing him that is. I couldn't help but feel slightly embarrassed with it, I didn't regret it because I'd meant every word. But it was still embarrassing to admit something like that to Izaya of all people.

I sucked in a breath and clamped my mouth tight, recalling Izaya's reaction. It had managed to leave Izaya speechless, ending our argument entirely...

I wrenched my neck up, stretching so I could look back at Izaya's ghostly head of black hair. I had no clue how to act now, it was a given he would still piss me off and we'd fight but after dragging him to see his sisters to show that people care, including me- it had to change something at least a little right?

I ruffled my bleached hair in frustration.

Izaya probably thought I was an idiot- well he's always thought that so there wasn't much difference there... but after what I said I'm surprised he hasn't shoved it back down my throat with mockery...

Instead, he was being strangely quiet, except for the coffee remark. But even that had been more passive, awkward even. The tense feeling in the room between us still hung in the air, but a part of me felt comfort in the quiet it brought along with it. I figured things could be so much worse, and even with my thoughts being a complete jumbled, confusing mess, I could admit that this wasn't the worst scenario that could have come out of last night...