Nobody Like You

Fifteen - Circle

After pulling up to Jabari's four story suburban house, I called him to let him know I was outside.  A few seconds later, he opened the front door, dressed in nothing but a pair of black basketball shorts. I punched the lock button on my car remote as I made my way up the cobblestone walkway leading to his front door.
"What's up baby?"  Jabari said, greeting me with a kiss to my forehead before shutting the front door behind me.
"Hey."  I responded in a stale tone.  Without saying a word, Jabari grabbed me by my hand and guided me up to his bedroom.  My mind was racing with thoughts as I took slow strides up the stairs.  Once up to Jabari's room I noticed that the lights were dimmed and the TV was on but the volume was down as I sat on the edge of his king sized bed that was decorated with sky blue sheets and pillow cases and a navy blue and white striped comforter.  After turning the lights up, Jabari sat down next to me on the bed, grabbing my hand as he caressed the back of it while looking into my eyes with a firm gaze. 
"Why am I here Jabari?"  I huffed, snatching my hand away from him.
"I wanted to see you – and I wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened between us in the locker room earlier today.  I didn't – "
"You know what?  Save it."  I said as I threw my hand up, stopping him in mid – sentence.  "I'm so sick and tired of hearing your damn apologies!  You think you can just continue to punch me and smack me around?  Calling me all kinds of bitches and hoes, and you think sorry is supposed to make everything alright again?"
"No CeCe, I know it doesn't make it alright.  But –"
"Then why do you keep doing me like this Jabari?"  My chin quivered as my eyes pricked with tears.  "You say you love me, but you treat me like you hate me!"  I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore.  Tears fell from my eyes like raindrops.  My heart was heavy and hurting.  Jabari sighed deeply before leaning back on his bed, resting his head on top of his hands.
"Come here Ciara."  Jabari said, tugging on my cardigan as he gestured for me to lay with him.  I took off my shoes, and layed my head against his chiseled chest.  He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer to him.
"Babe, I don't hate you.  I love you more than anything in this world.  I'm just fucked up."  Jabari leaned forward, raising his torso off of the bed.  He rested his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands.  "I'm fucked up more than you'll ever know."  Jabari confessed, his voice cracking.  I slowly leaned forward, my saddened eyes placed firmly on Jabari.
"What do you mean you're fucked up?  Fucked up how Jabari?"  Jabari chewed on his bottom lip, hesitant to answer.  He sighed deeply as he buried his face in his hands again. 
"My life is fucked up.  I'm a fuck up.  I can't ever seem to do right, no matter how I hard I try to.   Sometimes I don't even know why I continue to try."
"Jabari that's not true.  You are not a fuck up.  You are a varsity basketball player.  You have three recruiters coming to see you play next week, and you aren't hurting for anything.  I'd say your life seems pretty fine to me."
"You think so, huh?"  Jabari asked as he uncovered his face.  He turned his head towards me, his face was sullen and his eyes were filled with dejection.  "Ciara, my life ain't been right since my momma died nine years ago.  I have to hide the fucking pain I feel so I won't be perceived as weak to other people.  My daddy's always riding me about this basketball shit, trying to push me to live out his fucking NBA hoop dreams that he couldn't make come true for his self.  If I wasn't playing ball he wouldn't pay me no attention at all.  He don't give a damn about me."  A single tear fell from Jabari's eye before he quickly wiped it away.  "Do you know what he said to me the other day while we were arguing?"  Jabari quizzed, his eyes watering as tears continued to fall from them.  "He told me I was a mistake Ciara.  He told me that he wanted my mom to abort me, but she wouldn't do it.  You know how that makes me feel to know my own fucking daddy didn't even want me?"
Jabari's face tightened as he closed his eyes in grief.  Tears fell one after the other down his face like running faucets.  This was the first time I had ever seen Jabari in emotional pain like this.  Holding my hand over my heart, I gently rubbed Jabari's back, trying my best to console him.  In all the time we had been together, Jabari had never given any indication that he was having problems at home.  He always seemed happy and carefree.
"Babe it's okay.  He just wants what's best for you, and I'm sure he didn't mean what he said to you.  Your dad loves you."
"If he does Ciara, he has a hell of a way of showing it."  Jabari wiped more tears from his face.  "Honestly, I could care less if he loves me or not.  I haven't had much love for him ever since before my mom passed.  He treated her like shit while she was living."  Jabari stated in a flat, monotone voice as he stared down at the floor.  "My mom thought I didn't know what was going on between her and my pops, but I did.  Sometimes in the middle of the night, they'd be arguing and I could hear him calling her any and every wrong name you could call a person.  He use to beat her ass.  Sometimes, he would beat her so bad, I thought he was for sure going to kill her.  Everybody kept telling her to leave him, but she wouldn't.  She said she loved him too much."
"Babe, I – I'm so sorry you had to go through that."  I said as I lifted Jabari's head, engaging eye contact with him.  "Why didn't you tell me all of this before?"
"I never told anybody.  I just coped with it the best I could.  Every day I'm blowing Kush and drinking lean just to get through the fucking day.  Trying to numb the pain.  I don't wanna feel any emotions or pain.  I don't want to feel shit."  Jabari said as he picked up one of his white t-shirts off of the floor and wiped his face with it.
"So why do you choose to divulge all of this to me now?"  I questioned.  Part of me felt some sympathy for Jabari and his issues, but the other part of me knew that it could've all easily been some bullshit to justify why he treated me the way he did.  Jabari reached over and put his hands on my waist, pulling me onto his lap.  We made firm eye contact as Jabari caressed my face with his finger, trailing it from my cheek to my lips. 
"I'm not perfect CeCe.  I know this.  I also know I'm hella wrong for how I treat you.  With all the shit that goes on in my life, I need a way to release all this fucking stress and anger. This anger I have built up inside of me.  When the Kush and lean don't do it for me, I need something else to take my anger out on.  I never meant to hurt you all the times that I have.  You know that is never my intention.   I love you babe.  You're my girl, and you will probably be my wife one day.  Baby this is my word to you. I promise I won't hurt you anymore.  I want you to forgive me.  Will you please forgive me?"  Jabari coaxed with a sobbed expression.  I hesitated for a moment, biting the insides of my cheeks.
"I don't know Jabari.  That still doesn't erase what I heard about you and Tiffany.  There has to be some truth in it somewhere if everyone in the whole damn school is saying the same thing."  Jabari sucked his teeth.
"Babe, I swear to you I am not fucking Tiffany.  We are just friends.  Granted, she does like me, I don't want her.  I want you and only you."
Gazing into his eyes, I searched his face for any indication that everything he just said was a lie and bullshit.  All I could see was sincerity and love in his beautiful brown eyes.  My intuition was tugging at me, telling me not to believe anything he just said to me.  Everything in my told me he was lying, but other than what Lala told me she heard, I had no proof that he was.
"I forgive you."  I gave in before embracing Jabari with a hug and peck on the lips.  Usually I'm ecstatic when Jabari and I would make up.  This time I wasn't.  Lala's confession about him and Tiffany was still plaguing me.  Pushing it to the back of my mind, I decided to let it go and make the best out of this visit.   We got comfortable under the covers and decided to watch some TV.  I layed on Jabari's chest, inhaling the delightful smell of his Lacoste cologne he always wore as we watched an episode of Martin.  As we laughed hysterically at Sheneneh's threats to Pam, I started to fiddle with my bangle, remembering to thank Jabari for buying it for me.
"Babe, did you get my text message earlier?" I asked, pushing myself off of his chest so I could look at him.
"No. What did it say?"
"I texted you to thank you for buying this bangle. I love it." I shook my wrist to show him the bangle.  Jabari grabbed my wrist, examining it closely with a look of puzzlement.
"I didn't buy you that."
I paused for a moment, looking down at the bracelet then back at Jabari.  "Stop playing babe.  I know you did. It was in my room when I got home today.  How else would it get there?"
"I'm not playing. I didn't buy you that. Why would I?"
"Why wouldn't you?" I asked, irritation lacing my tone.
"Hold up." Jabari rose from his pillow.  He grabbed the remote control, turning down the volume on the TV.  "While you're asking me questions, I should be asking you who and the fuck bought it for you.  You got niggas buying you shit now?"
"No. I thought it was from you. I promise I did.  I don't have a clue where it came from."  
"See, this is why I go off on you all the time. You keep tryin' me with that fuck shit Ciara.  You gonna make me fuck you up, seriously." Jabari said calmly while clenching his jaws.
I tried to think of any possibilities where this beautiful piece of jewelry could've come from.  Bingo. "Wait.  If you didn't buy it for me then my daddy must've bought it. He surprises us with gifts all the time.  He probably left it for me before he left for his trip to L.A. today."
Jabari side eyed me for a moment. I scooted closer to him, wrapping my arms around him from behind. My hands roamed along his rock hard chest as trailed kisses on his neck. "Babe, I don't wanna fight tonight.  Now, we just made up less than five minutes ago.  Let's not ruin that."
Jabari cocked his head around, meeting my eyes.  He stared into my eyes for a moment, letting out steady breath.  "You right.  I'm sorry.  You know how I get about you."
"I know. You have nothing to worry about babe.  I'm all yours."  I assured Jabari.  With that, Jabari grabbed the remote control, turning the volume back up on the TV and layed back down.  I was happy to be in a good place with Jabari again, yet I couldn't for the life of me get Fire out of my mental.  An hour prior to this moment, I was ready to give up every bit of myself to Fire.  Five more minutes and we would've been naked on Nicki's kitchen table.  I needed to stand clear of Fire.  He wasn't going to do anything but cause me more problems than what I needed.  But I wanted him so bad.  Was I wrong for feeling this way?  Is it possible to be in love with one guy and want another so damn bad that it hurts? 
A few moments later, distant arguing and yelling broke my attention away from the television.  A few seconds later I heard piercing screaming followed by a thud.
"Did you hear that?"  I popped straight up from the bed after hearing the thud.
"Hear what?"  Jabari asked, his attention still on the television.
I grabbed the remote control and turned down the volume so I could hear more clearly.  As the room became silent, I heard what could only be described as someone getting slapped repeatedly.  Short screams came after each slap.
"That's just my daddy and Delilah."  Jabari droned as he grabbed the remote control from my hand and turned the volume back up the TV.
"Are they fighting?"  I gasped, raising my eyebrows in shock.
"Probably.  I don't know and I don't care."  Jabari said as he pulled on my arm for me to lay back down.  "Lay down and don't worry about that."
"How can you just sit here and act like that's not happening?  He is down stairs beating on your mom and –"
"Don't you ever say that shit again!"  Jabari snarled as he jolted from his pillow, giving me a hard, evil glare.  "That bitch is not my mom!"  I had forgotten about how Jabari hated for people to refer to Delilah as his mother.  He blamed her for being the reason why his father, Marcus, treated his mother badly.  Apparently Delilah and Marcus had been having an affair three years before Jabari's mother passed.
"What's going on downstairs ain't got shit to do with me and you!  You're supposed to be over here spending time with me, not worrying about what's going on with my pops and that bitch!"  Jabari stormed before throwing the remote control against the wall, breaking it into pieces.  The collision startled me, making me recoil.
"Why are you getting so angry?  All I said was –"
"Man, I don't give a fuck what you said!  That's your problem Ciara, you're always worried about everything else but what you're supposed to be worried about and that's me and you!" Jabari continued as he sat on the edge of the bed and began to text.
"I'm sorry babe.  I didn't mean to offend –"
"Shut the fuck up!  I don't wanna hear that shit!"  Jabari hissed as he continued to text.  "Why don't you just get the hell out?  I'm tired of you already."
Was I losing my mind?  I couldn't believe this nigga was kicking me out of his house yet again, after he just promised not to treat me bad anymore.  This time I didn't cry.  I was to a point where Jabari's antics were not fazing me too much anymore.
"You know what?  Fine.  I'll call you when I get home."  I told his as I slipped my flats on and grabbed my keys and purse.
"Don't bother."  Jabari said as he got up from his bed and closed the door behind me.  I stood staring at his bedroom door for a moment, confused as to how we ended up back where we started earlier that day.  I was at my wits end with Jabari.  I had to get out of this relationship – fast.